Into the Twilight

Now I know this seems a bit out of character for this site, but just bear with me people, there is some decent grill work going on in Twilight. I did my best to find the worst possible looking face to start out, and Edward (Robert Pattinson) has delivered.

Today is Bella Swan’s (Kristen Stewart) first day at Forks High. She is immediately bombarded/hit on by this King of Triangle mouths, Eric Yorkie (Justin Chon).

Hey, I didn’t know you made it off of Con-Air. Didn’t you sneak a gun on the plane and get straight up murdered? Oh right, acting. Way to bounce back.

Meet local surgeon/runway model/vampire father figure Carlisle Cullen (Peter Facinelli). If you saw this shot in motion he saunters in and unlike Derek Zoolander, he can turn left.

I don’t know what you’re smiling for, you’re about to get drained by three vampires.

At first glance there isn’t much in this frame, but Jessica Stanley (Anna Kendrick) is making some weird face, and Tyler directly above her looks to be attempting his best Blue Steel. Yes, that is two Zoolander references, and we aren’t even a quarter of the way through this post.

Even with this weird look on your face Bella, is slightly awkward. It’s not entirely unheard of that a vampire often described in your own thoughts as “beautiful, as if he were cut out of marble” would want more that your blood.

Here’s this friggin’ guy again. It looks like the old “Stop making a funny face, it’ll freeze that way” warning was thoroughly ignored by him.

“……..line??……..aww fuck.” Robert was cast more for his good looks. He looks like a hollow shell that just might get brainwashed and attempt to assinate the Prime Minister of Malaysia.

Again, same scene, different pop culture reference. Robert also attended and graduated with honors from The Jimmy Fallon School of Not Being Able to Keep A Straight Face…ever.

“Didn’t anybody ever tell you that if you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all?” Robert asked.

“Hey ladies.”

Seriously dude, now you’re just taking me out of the movie entirely. Stop fucking smiling.

Oh Carlisle, what an example of a necessary smile. Triangle shaped mouth? Check. Vacant stare? Check.

I really don’t have anything constructive to say about this one, just another stupid face from Robert.

Yes!!! Stunt doubles. It really isn’t fair of me to call them obvious because this shot is pretty fast and blurry. One of the best features of DVD’s is the ability to pause and unearth all manner of stunt doubles, both obvious and not so much.

“Has anybody seen my baseball??” Emmett (Kellan Lutz) thought.

“C’mon Meat, gimme some more of that weak ass shit.” Jasper Hale (Jackson Rathbone) thought to himself.

That is a hard slide Carlisle is taking into second base. It would have better served him to go headfirst, a la Peter Edward Rose Sr.

The impromptu game of Vampire baseball was going great until James (Cam Gigandet) showed up and spoiled things.

There you go Robert, finally a face you can be proud of, accurately conveying the motion you should be feeling after a nomadic vampire with terrible hair breaks up your baseball game and declares that he would like to snack on your human girlfriend. There may yet be hope for you in the sequel.

WOW!!! That is the height of awkward that honestly, is rare air for female performers. They just don’t cut loose nearly as often as men. Thank you Kristen, that image may haunt my dreams for a fortnight.

This facial expression literally just added 10-20 years of age onto James’ face. Don’t believe me? Scroll back up, you’ll see. Not a good look Bro.

Filled with new found confidence in his facial muscles, Robert trotted out his best hard scorn look. I’ve gotta say, I’m mildly impressed.

James was smiling until he thought of all the money he won’t be making from the three sequels because he doesn’t survive the movie.

While on the other hand, Shark Boy, I mean Jacob (Taylor Lautner) and his hair extensions will be making bank as his role only increases with each further book/movie. Zero percent Indian by the way. Gotta love Hollywood.

– Boris Cullen


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  1. All these kids are dressed like out of work Parisian fashinistos… show me a high school actually like this.

    Side note, that one baseball shot looks suspiciously like Kyle doesn’t it?

    Comment by Matt — 2009.04.03 #

  2. Looks like somebody spilled some Berry Blue Kool-Aid on the film reel. Awesome grills though. The first one slayed me, pun intended.

    Comment by christoph — 2009.04.03 #

  3. Also, they (guys and girls) are all wearing some whore lipstick.

    Comment by Matt — 2009.04.03 #

  4. tapis d’eveil…

    Grill Wilson ยป Into the Twilight…

    Trackback by tapis d'eveil — 2013.11.26 #

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