Welcome to Roll Bounce. It’s no secret that I love this movie, and guess what? It loves us back, baby. That’s right. Maybe my love for it stems from the countless hours I spent in my local roller rink growing up. Or maybe it’s the multitude of grills strewn across this film. If I were a betting man, I’d put my money on both!
This (master)piece takes place in the 70s, so it’s time to throw on some bell-bottoms and strap on your skates, you dig?
Say Hello to Xavier “X” Smith, played by my man Gril’ Bow Wow.
X loves to skate. It’s a good thing, too, because there is going to be a lot of skating in this movie.
Now it’s time to meet the rest of the crew:
Clown town town. Get used to these 5-for-the-price-of-1 grills.
Oh no, X, you’re late- the streetlights just came on! RUUUNNN!!!
Getting home late. Again. (By the way, that’s a wig in his hand. Just sayin’.)
Better go to bed early so you can wake up in time to take out the garbage, X.
Man, wouldn’t it be awesome if Charlie Murphy was your garbage man, and he yelled at you every morning?
And if his garbage man friend was Mike Epps?
And they both just yelled at you in the morning?
And if you all stood there and checked out your hott neighbor? Duncan Hines!!
And then they just yelled at you?
And they kicked your garbage cans around, and they yelled at you in the morning?
And then they yelled- alright, alright. Well, how about if the neighborhood kids gave you nothing but guff while you were trying to do your job? (Don’t miss the one cat’s Fonzie shirt. I NEED that.)
You’d give ’em the one fingered salute and the tongue, that’s what!
Just don’t forget to keep your eyes open while you’re crafting that sweet grill, lest it become even sweeter.
The first of many Daaaaaaaaaaaaaaaammmn’s.
Now, the Southside Boys’ favorite rink is getting closed down, so they decide to go check out the rink in Sweetwater.
“Hi, I’m Nick Cannon.”
“Nick Cannon is hilarious!”
“Yeah, that’s right.”
This is where X runs into a girl he used to know when he was… even younger. And now she’s hott!
Now don’t forget about our boy Alpa Chino. He’s Bow Wow’s second in command when it comes to grillin’.
Now we’re introduced to the Sweetwater gang- er, crew.
Meet Roy…. I’m not sure what his deal is, but he does not like X or his Southside Boys. “FTUGFRUOAOGH!!!!!!” … What?
So Sweetness (X’s soon-to-be arch nemesis) just waltzed in and threw his nasty sweat-rag on the ground. It was subsequently snatched up by this amateur grillsmith.
“Yo that’s nazty!”
That’s sweetness, hard left. Look at the range of that clap. I took a capture at zero (hands closed) and another at 100 (full extension). On the biggest clap. What is that, 1 centimeter? Way to be.
“I’m gonna need freak-out control.”
Now that’s just ridiculous. He’s got a bit of the Pat Benatar shakes going on there too.
“I live with my Daaaad.”
Like father like son, sons. Meet Chi McBride. He is what you would call a professional grillsmith.
Some more Cannon, thrown in for good measure.
All this kid wants is a pair of skates that fit. “Size NINE!!!”
But then Canon informs him that girls like a dude with a big… skate.
“Let’s segue back to my Daaaad.”
Here he starts to get told by Duncan Hines, but then he turns it around. He tells her, and then she leaves.
Back to Sweetwater!
Zombie-face Sweetness will haunt your dreams.
He’s so zombie he even haunts himself.
Back to dad, yakkin’ in the sink.
Dad goes off to a grown up party, where they serve hard liquor and even harder grillz.
Murphy’s got his eyes on the prize!
Who invited these guys, anyway?
“Ok, everybody! Let’s get together and have a training montage!”
“Training montage?! RUN!!!”
“I HATE training montages.” Yikes.
“Come on, man. Where’s this training montage I keep hearing so much about?”
Oh, here it is!
What is with everyone sticking their tongue out in this movie?!
Ok, dad’s angry. Let’s check in on Mr. Cannon.
Lookin’ good. How about we swing by the used car lot? “Scuse me boys- I smell money!” (He actually says this.)
Dad applies for a job as a janitor. He’s overqualified.
Dad mocking son.
Son mocking dad.
Son mocking dad.
Son mo- WHOA!!!
Son going ape wild.
Son doin’ work on dad’s car.
Garbage friends: exit stage right.
X has to let hott Naomi know how he feels. With his tongue.
That’s quite a proud and confident grill right there. A little brazen, even.
Whoa, what’s happening? Scorn time?!
Here’s what all the fuss is about:
Wow Bow isn’t too sure about that.
Dad appreciates it.
“Ok, time to get serious, the skate competition is coming up! Remember, we didn’t train at all for this, except for that silly dancing montage earlier. Uh, X, what are you doing?”
Wait, Wayne Brady is in this?
Oh, come on, Dad. He isn’t that bad.
Oh no he didn’t! Sweetness just started skating to their song!
Sweetness sweeps the ladies off their feet with his zombie-like charm.
My man’s lookin’ straight up dead. Corpse-face. “Abra-cadaver!”
Naps (take it easy, that’s the character’s name) just thought of a perfect backup song!
“Remember, we hardly practiced with our original pick. We pretty much just goofed off for the whole movie.” Tongue!
“Beat my creepy dead-body skating, kids! Also, did I just get back from a 1970’s Taco Bell?”
“They had Taco Bell in the 70’s?”
“Wooooo! We nailed it! No rehearsal, yet our choreography was spot on!”
“I want that!!!”
Here’s where a little bit-o-bromance sneaks in, for the kids:
Ok, now Sweetness is a little TO’d, because Wayne Brady called a tie. But Sweetness doesn’t tie, he wins.
Now things are getting heated- Wow Wow doesn’t care anyway, just give him half the prize money yadda yadda yadda…
Background bromance. Roy’s a sneaky guy.
Bow Bow says something about spanking Sweetness in a 1 on 1 skate-off.
Then Sweetness says something like, “You couldn’t spank me if your hand was glued to my azzzzz.”
“Whaaaaaaat?! Sweetness, that sounds a little…. sweet.”
This keen observation elicits the one and only grill from hott Naomi (Meagan Good).
Then, the battle begins…. huh?
Oh! They’re having a grill-off! I thought it was a skate-off. Silly me…
What is happening?!
It’s a celebration!
“Well, the boy still has to learn a thing or two about grillsmithery, but that wasn’t bad. Wasn’t bad at all.”
It’s been real.