The year: 1991.
The setting: Sunny California.
Weather conditions: Perfect.
Bromance Factor™: Sweltering.
In case you haven’t figured it out already, this year’s Malentine’s Day treat is brought to you by our friend Point Break. According to Wikipedia, the film was originally set to star Matthew Broderick and Charlie Sheen, with Ridley Scott directing. Lucky for us, that abomination never saw the light of day.
Enter Keanu Reeves as Johnny Utah, rookie FBI agent.
How’s life, Johnny?
Atta boy, that’s what I wanted to hear.
“Hey Dr. Cox!”
“Listen, Nancy- My name’s not Dr. Cox.”
“C’mon Mary, Let’s go meet our heavy-hitter.”
Busey can’t believe his eyes.
“Myeeaah, I’m the coach, see?”
Here’s Agent Goofball, making fun of poor Utah.
Oh, Gary Busey. Look how happy he is!
Whoa, mood swing!
“You gotta belieeeeeve me!”
This one’s for you, Boris.
Now, you may be picking up on a slight bromantic vibe between these two. It makes sense, they’re like Yin and Yang up there. Static vs animated. Vacant vs overflowing with emotion. Bottom of the barrel vs over the top.
It’s time for the FBI to finally pay someone to learn to surf.
“Hey McGinley, we need some cash so Johnny can learn to surf.”
Well, I guess you’re stuck with that pink board, kid.
Pink board in tow, Utah takes to the waves.
“I know Kung-fu.”
“It’s not nice to point, but we’re still going to laugh!”
“Hey Lori Petty, I’m supposed to have the hots for you, but… who’s that over there?”
Our first glimpse of the late, great Patrick Swayze, aka Bodhi. Rest in peace, buddy.
Bodhi’s goons are great. We’ll see more of them later.
Oh! Who’s that sneaking up on us now?
“I’m not touching you! I’m not touching you!”
“How’s it hangin’, brah?”
“You had me at ‘brah’, brah.”
“How many times do I have to tell you, Sally: My name is NOT Dr. Cox!”
“Chill, Dr. Cox. And check it out- I’m still using my pink board, see?”
“Are you thinking what I’m thinking?”
“High fives! Yeah!! Let’s see how long we can do this! I hope it’s forever!!!”
Time for some fun in the sun.
“Utah, where’d ya go? I hope he doesn’t run in to a montage of henchman grills…”
I didn’t want to interrupt that blue streak I had going, but to answer your question- yes, that was Anthony Kiedis, lead singer of the Red Hot Chili Peppers back there. To answer your next question- no, Flea is (surprisingly) not in this film.
“Save me, Swayze!”
“It would be my pleasure, Johnny.”
“I’ll just come right out and say it. I want you.”
“I’m all yours.”
“Let’s PARTY!” Check out Thing 1 and Thing 2 in the background.
Here’s Bodhi’s right hand goon, Roach. This guy puts in some good work.
“Oh hi Roach.”
“I wonder what Johnny’s doing right now.”
“Wh… Where am I? Whoa, is that Tank Girl? What have I done?!”
I think this dude’s name was Bunker.
Here’s a little more Kiedis for you. His character is named Tone, by the way.
Tone’s reaction after literally shooting himself in the foot. Looks like he somehow lost all of his upper teeth in the process.
Is it just me, or is that broken mirror giving Busey a Ron Perlman mouth?
Here’s an awesome cameo by an exasperated Tom Sizemore (uncredited) as DEA Agent Dietz.
“Do you like Phil Collins?”
“Haaay Johnny, whatcha doin’?”
“Ahhh, we can fight about it later. Now it’s time to hang ten!”
Gary’s been feeling left out.
“Tell me what you think of me, Utah.”
“You’ve got a gnarly set of choppers, dude.”
“Is that all I am to you? A ‘gnarly’ set of choppers?”
“Of course not, Gary. Tell you what, tomorrow, lunch is on me.”
“Boy am I starving. Utah, how ’bout that lunch you promised?”
“Two meatball sandwiches, Utah. TWO. Two, two, gimme two.”
Unfortunately, while Johnny was trying to remember how many meatball sandwiches Busey had asked for, the Ex-Presidents just robbed another bank. The bank right across the street from the sandwich stand…
There’s something very Paul Walker-esque about this shot.
These masks are pretty great. Reagan gets me every time, and I love Carter wilin’ out in the back seat.
Keanu: “My door won’t open!”
Busey: “The car won’t start!”
The Ex-Presidents have gotten away in their car while Johnny chases Reagan on foot. The chase ends with Johnny taking an 8 foot drop and landing HARD on his bad knee. He pulls out his gun and lines Reagan up in his sights, but he can’t pull the trigger.
“Bodhi, I know it’s you!!!”
This is the part where he fires his gun in the air while yelling, “AAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!!!!
Utah practices batting his eyelashes for his next encounter with Bodhi.
“It’s time to make a decision, Utah. Me or him.”
“Well who’s it gonna be, Johnny?”
Bodhi’s Errol Flynn lookin’ goon, named Nathanial.
“So, Busey gave you an ultimatum, huh?”
“Glad you chose me, Johnny. You know I’d never hurt you.”
“Bodhi, I can stare at that animated gif of you all day.”
“And I’ll gaze down upon your next grill, out of the corner of my eye.”
“Drink it in, Nathanial. Ha-Haaa!” Man, Swayze, you make my dayze. Every time.
“You’re not gonna believe the kinds of grills my men are capable of.”
Nathanial’s cheezin’ hard, trying to get some work in before Roach cranks it up to 11.
“They’re only getting started,” Bodhi prophesied.
“Matter of fact, here I go.”
“Observe my beautiful form.”
“Whoa! That’s incredible, Bodhi!”
“Bodhi, look how happy I am!”
“I’m just happy to be here with you, Johnny!”
“YOU TWO NEED TO GET A ROOM! YEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHH!!!”
*stares into camera and blushes*
Bromance Ring of Power.
“Let’s separate from the rest of the group and hold hands.”
“Bodhi, you complete me!”
“We made it. You ok, Johnny?”
“Never better, Bodhi. Thanks for the best day of my life!”
Whoa, what happened, guys?
“Ow, take it easy Johnny.”
“I said take it easy, Johnny!”
“Cheer me up, Roach.”
“You got it, boss!”
“Thanks, Roach. That works every time!”
“Now we’re going to rob one last bank, and you’re going to help, Johnny. I mean, what could possibly go wrong?”
“What’s the matter, Johnny? Is it because you didn’t get a mask?”
At this point some rogue cop tries to take down the Ex-Presidents, which is probably the most unrealistic part of the movie. How you gonna take on 5 armed men alone, in a bank packed with innocent people? How is that a good idea? Then again, I guess he was LAPD…
That fanny-pack is most likely hiding the fact that this guy just wet himself.
“Do something funny with your mouth, or I’ll shoot you.”
“Try more like this.”
“How about this, Bodhi?”
“Are you serious?! That’s a mask! It doesn’t count!!”
“Hey Bodhi, how’s this?”
“Thank you, Johnny, that’s good. That’s real good.”
At this point, Johnny has had enough of Dr. Cox’s condescending attitude.
“Dr. Cox, if I strain hard enough…”
“… I can make Gary Busey…”
“… pop out over my shoulder!”
“Have you seen my teeth up close?”
“Bodhi, look at my abs!”
“Check out this dance I made up for you!”
“That’s enough, Johnny. He doesn’t want you back.”
“Hang on, Utah! I’m on my waaaayyy!”
Busey takes some buckshot to the gut and goes down.
“Take that, old man.”
“Aaaahhhhh, didn’t realize I took a slug to the shoulder!”
Busey channels his remaining strength into his face.
Slug to the chest! Maybe you should hold that gun a little closer next time.
“Stop this madness!”
“So it’s true…”
Bodhi: “That’s the guy you were with before me?”
Utah: “Gary, I’m sorry! Huurrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr”
Busey serves up his Last Grill and Testament.
Dedz. You can tell because his tongue is sort of sticking out.
“Come on Johnny, let’s go for one last ride.”
Roach is half past dead at this point.
“Ah, Roach, you’re grossing me out.”
“Sorry, Bodhi. Hnnnnn!”
“Well, this is it, Utah.”
“I’ll miss you, Johnny!”
“NO! I just lost Gary, and I’m not gonna lose you!”
So Keanu’s stunt double leaps out of the plane wearing a poorly concealed parachute under his shirt. Uh, I mean Utah jumps out of the plane without a chute!
Either way, it’s awesome. Plus we get this incredible mid-air man embrace.
“Come on, Bodhi! One last kiss, please!”
“Oh, all right, Johnny. You know I can never say no to you.”
“It’s been nice knowing you, Johnny. Dream about me.”
“I will, Bodhi. I will.”
“I’m gonna start right now.”
Nine months later, Johnny tracks Bodhi down to Bells Beach, Australia.
“Bodhi, earlier in the movie you basically assured me you were going to be here for the 50 Year Storm. You probably shouldn’t have done that.”
“I just wanted to see you one last time, Johnny.”
“Sorry, Bodhi. You’re under arrest.”
“Dammit, Utah! Normally this would be awesome, but take these cuffs off right now! If you really loved me you’d let me surf to my death in this storm.”
“Thanks, Johnny. I love you too.”
With that, Utah lets Bodhi paddle out into the storm, where he’s never heard from again.
Johnny throws away his badge and walks off, forever alone.
Well, maybe not forever…
Vaya con Dios, boys.
Here’s one last joke for y’all.
And as always, may all your Malentine’s Day wishes come true!