American Face-Off, Round: 1

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Patrick Bateman (Christian Bale) is a rich, nice, and all round good guy living in New York City who, because of his grill prowess, can’t help but strut around with supreme confidence. Here he is out the gates hitting us with a basic yet well cooked grill. Note how the perfectly aligned eyebrows go hauntingly well with the angled stripes of his shirt. The man can accessorize with his face! Brilliant!

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I present for your grill amusement, his entourage. First up, Craig McDermott (Josh Lucas). He has an amazing mastery of the triangle mouth with two inch dimples. You could build a shelf on that thing it’s so straight…holy crap I just noticed he has green suspenders on.

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Timothy Bryce (Justin Theroux), sporting a perfect Dracula haircut. He isn’t hitting us with any specific grill at this point, but his unibrow is cracking me up. He knows he can’t compete with Bateman’s amazing eyebrow skillz, so he just says “Fine, I’ll just grow some hair in no man’s land and it will be just as good.” No no, it’s not. By the way, enjoy the view.

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Lastly the fourth in the Visage Virtuosos, David Van Patten (Bill Sage). I assume he is the newest of the group since he only has one look. It’s a watered down, dead faced Blue Steel that from hence forth will be called Aqua Aluminum. McDermott being such a good teammate, tries to save the shot by flashing those majestic green suspenders like a detective showing a gun under his trench coat.

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Bateman and Bryce don’t look impressed at all, dare I say…disgusted at the choice of using Aqua Aluminum we can only assume for the 8th time that day. It’s ok, I’m sure it’s just some gentle hazing for the new guy.

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Whoa! He flashes him the perfectly manicured hand complete with caterpillar eyebrows and a dash of a Rolex. At this point they should just bow to their grill master and commissar, Patrick Bateman. There is no recovering from that.

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Like a honey badger simply not giving a fuck, he goes in to finish them off with the elusive Robert Deniro grill. I can only assume after this scene everyone else is in a haze of grill euphoria as Bateman feasts on their inferior souls.

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After a day of grill dominance, the crew winds down at a club that oddly has this person as the head bouncer who is obviously a fe…male…oh…SURPRISE!

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Look at McDermott and Bryce as they try to hold it together as they pass that visual anomaly. I couldn’t keep my composure as well when walking by Hagrid either.

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This kid is too much, I say kid because the androgyny is overpowering. The overly gelled hair whose only purpose is to hold the ridiculously unnecessary hat in place. Pair that with the Hulk Hogan boa, Clock Work Orange eyelashes, and the eyebrows that I think used to be “it’s” sideburns and you have a grill that can be appreciated by any gender.  Bret Easton Ellis should be proud to have his name displayed over this image.

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Here we have Bateman giving us his best “hey it’s ok, I’ll just murder you later” grill to the bartender, but that masterpiece is framed by a girl on his left with what I think is some sort of furry depressed table on her head, and Mr. Clean to his right who is clearly checking out his ass. He thought he was being discreet, but with the magic of film, we can watch this moment again and again, thank you nameless extras.

Speaking of embarrassing moments on film, nice moves boys. Van Patten is obviously doing some version of the “starting the lawn mower” dance, and Bryce is…I don’t know what that is. I feel like if I watch this long enough the girl he is dancing with will get a hole burned through her head from the love stare he is giving her, and the girl to his left will get elbowed in the head so hard she will somehow wake up in the unwatchable American Psycho 2 starring Meg Griffin.

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Say hello to Evelyn Williams (Reese Witherspoon). She is sporting some serious crazy eyes here with a dash of Leno chin. Every time I see her I just want to hold a piece of glass up to that bad boy, tell her Jake Gyllenhaal is on her left, and see if it will cut.

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I was on the verge of tears by the time they arrived at Espace since I was certain it was Edward Scissor hands. But then it’s not, and relief washes over me, in an awesome wave.

By the way this character is Stash, but the actor’s name is Park Bench, I’m serious, IMDb it.

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Hey welcome to the party Bryce! I’m digging the Leno chin, well done sir. Oh…wait…he is sitting next to Evelyn in this scene. Oh crap! Is Leno chin contagious!?

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That is some serious roid-rage Bateman. Peep that forehead, those veins form a perfect throbbing V like he is some sort of super hero. You can’t tell from this angle but the woman he is yelling at barely moves back, probably because his breathe smells like a delicious sea urchin ceviche.

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This is Courtney Rawlinson (Samantha Mathis), she is either rocking a stupendous Zombie Hi-Life face, or straight up knocked out.

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Yeah there it is. Say goodnight Courtney, we won’t be seeing you any more in this post.

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Why hello Paul Allen (Jared Leto), throwing in your name for the title of grill champion of Pierce and Pierce? Not a bad start with the bridge eyebrows, sea bass mouth, and hockey hair. Come on, I know you can do better.

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Bateman can’t believe that he is wasting his time with that poorly cooked grill. I can taste his disgust all the way in New Jersey and 12 years in the future. By the way that is Luis Carruthers (Matt Ross) back there, he has permanent turkey neck, more on that later.

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Hey look who it is. Way to stick with a look Aqua Aluminum.

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Oh no, something horrible must have happened. Captain Bateman is looking stone faced and extra moist in this shot. Is it possible that he just read the script for Captain Corelli’s Mandolin?

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Oh it’s just a business card. But I’m concerned, Patrick, you’re sweating. Holy crap, how did turkey neck get his hands like that? That polka dot bow tie must give him special gumby powers.

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This isn’t necessarily a grill, even though you do get a nice close-up of Bryce’s lips. I didn’t notice this until I started this post but peep the top right of the card, notice anything off? I’ll double space for the few of you who actually are trying to figure it out:

“Acquisitions” is spelled wrong. They missed the C after the A. Either way, anyone want to take a trip to 358 Exchange Place? I know I do!

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Hey it’s party time! Nothing says a letting loose like deer antlers that were obviously put on his head as a crown earned by his grill excellence. Bateman celebrates by giving us the straight caterpillar eyebrows from the very first grill of the movie, thank you sir! Oh and incase you didn’t notice that is Marcus Halberstram (Anthony Lemke) right there in between Allen and Bateman in a yuppie sandwich.

Hamilton (Tufford Kennedy) full on stares at Bateman for what seems like an eternity with his shit eating grin. Later on his eyes burst from his sockets because he simply isn’t worthy. I imagine that after this shot Bale goes off on him in a rant similar to the leaked one from Terminator Salvation for overacting with his face.

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Wow I never noticed what serious wall hair has Evelyn has in this scene, Pauly D would be proud. What is she holding only inches from HER CHIN!?!? If that pig sneezes he’s done.

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Hey look who’s back. Clearly not satisfied with his last performance he returned to prove his worth. That look of pure jubilation to get some a lone time with Bateman just warms your heart. The more I stare at this, the more I want to punch him.

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I love this shot. It’s almost like that woman in the background is somehow telekinetically grabbing the back of Allen’s mullet to give him bad face-lift face. Also it’s good because…that is obviously a wig, come on.

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Even Bateman enjoys the obvious wig so much you can’t even see his eyes behind that pencil thing grin. If this camera could somehow catch auras I would assume at this point his would be, red and in the shape of an axe, that’s some foreshadowing for the kids.

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Oh is that…yes it is! Yet another Leno chin! Well done Leto I mean Allen. Welcome to the party.

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Even Bateman is so impressed that he is giving us the “my face is being sucked through a straw and I kind of like it” grill. Go ahead Paul Allen, you’ve earned yourself another martini.

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Even after all those drinks Allen is still able to give us the rarely seen sideways triangle mouth. This was twist no one was expecting. Add the suspenders and the mullet and I think we have his best one yet. Marvelous.

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The toothless O-Face is pulled off splendidly.

“YES IT IS!!!” Looks like Allen is really into that raincoat.

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Time for some musac to set the mood.

Hey Patrick what is your favorite Huey Lewis Album?

Huey Lewis’s smooth beats just take over his soul, and Bateman breaks into this twist and standing worm hybrid. In this moment Bateman is feeling as good as a 6 year old whose parents let them get a candy bar while waiting in line at the supermarket. Ah, memories.

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And just like that he turns from happy child to scolding parent. I kind of want to make this my background image with text that reads “Stop procrastinating or I will make you sit through all the Twilight movies” (Sorry Boris).

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Oh look he’s happy again. He bounces around more than Brett Favre on a trampoline in this scene. Oh dip he has an axe! Maybe Favre should have brought an axe to the contract negotiations, he probably never would have left Green Bay. Either way, look how happy he is.

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Hey Allen, what’s with the upside down triangle mouth son? You look concerned about something.

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Oooooh…goodluck

Have you ever seen a more majestic and unnecessary hair toss? It barely moves since there is so much stuff in that hair, I’m surprised it doesn’t spontaneously combust from the hot air everyone is full of in this movie.

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Good move Bateman, leave a trail so you can find your way back.

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I know this night watchman (Bryan Renfro) is only in the movie for a minute, but his dead face is one of the best I’ve ever seen. It has to be the addition of the forlorn Tom Sellek mustache and the “meh” attitude with a touch of general malaise.

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Hey look who happens to walk by as Bateman is getting into the cab. He looks enamored by the quality of the bag. Even Gwendolyn (Connie Chen) seems over taken by the beauty of it. I hope they ask where it was purchased, or they will never know.

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Hi Christie (Cara Seymour), why are you making that inquisitive and un trusting face?

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It can’t be because Bateman is rolling up to you in a limo with a wad of cash and a credit card. That just means he is trustworthy, didn’t you see Pretty Woman? Go ahead, hop in, it’s ok.

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Look at that punum, aren’t just overjoyed that you took a chance? This is going to be a life changing experience for you. Just ask Julia Roberts.

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Whoa there’s another girl! Ok, this is NOTHING like Pretty Woman. That’s Sabrina (Krista Sutton), and judging by Bateman’s finger, and the look on her face, I would say she is being severely berated. Be careful Sabrina, the last person Bateman yelled at in this apartment got a first hand look at some amazing luggage.

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It must be bed time. I assume he is going to be sleeping in the middle, but these two look to be having a telepathic argument over who gets the side closest to the window.

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Oh ok, I guess bedtime comes later. Look at Bateman standing there like Peyton Manning behind center. You have to assume that has a name for this. Like the Tower of Power, The Train to My Ego, or…I don’t know…the Valley of Smiles. By the way, it’s obvious what Bateman is doing, but what do you think Sabrina is up to? Food for thought.

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I like to imagine that he is waving to the audience while serenading us with a spirited whistling. Like what the 7 Dwarves do, he is doing it while he works.

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We are getting a first glimpse at a mouse face grill here. It even comes with a tail coming out the side of his head. If you pretend that Sabrina’s blonde hair is a giant piece of cheese it is complete.

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“Raaaagghhhh, Gimme the cheese!”

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There are no words to fully capture the awesomeness of this shot. Other than how for some reason at this angle, Bateman’s forearms look like they were on loan from a T-Rex. Hey look he has a drill in his room.

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If there was ever a frame to personify this entire movie, this is it. We some how get a combo of many of his previous grills. I’m talking straight eyebrows, super hero forehead, sideways cheese face, squinty eyes, but this time it’s all pirateized, and face sweats. This has to be named, we’ll call it “Seshforchfacesweats”. Then you throw in a little Babe Ruth calling the shot, and the white background with nothing but the drill and you have what should have been the poster.

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Awesome the posse is back together, minus Bryce hey what gives? I can’t be too angry though, check out McDermott thinking he is Jesus at the last supper giving us some extravagantly big arms pose.

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It’s all good. Everyone approves and we have a 3 way bromance for the first time in the movie. You just know somewhere robots are joining together to form one giant shiny yuppie.

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It’s good to see cap-i-tan Bateman enjoying this time with his bros. Even if it is a little too much.

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Wow, I guess I’m not the only one who noticed.

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Just because you are leaning back, doesn’t make Aqua Aluminum any better.

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Sensing that Bateman just made an unfavorable move, ol’ turkey neck swoops in trying to usurp the throne. What’s that in his hand?

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Dear god no, it’s in color!

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I know I should feel bad for him, but sometimes people got to die. Luis is one of them.

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Uh oh, I hope permanent turkey neck isn’t contagious

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This one by far has to be the most turkey neck of the turkey necks. Look at that thing, I can’t tell where his neck ends and his head begins. I just want to flick it and time how long it takes for the ripples to stop.

I feel like this the ONLY face you can make when Carruthers starts feeling up your face.

Good move washing your hands…whoa…whoa…WHOA!!! He just appears in a ginger mist of desperation.

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Whew, good to see that he didn’t catch the turkey necks after all.

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Jean (Chloë Sevigny) makes her first appearance. She has been in the movie long before this shot but nothing has been as satisfactory as her zombie face grill. We can only assume the ice cream is some sort of new flavor of Ben & Jerry’s, Betty Brain Berry.

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Never mind, looks homemade.

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Jean tries to mix it up by giving us a sever face strain grill with a self mid-five.

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Bateman is not amused. Don’t worry she survives, after all she is a zombie.

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Hey welcome back Christie. I see you are looking as suspicious as ever. Don’t worry I’m sure it will be nothing like last time.

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See, this time he is either eating a peanut butter and jelly sandwich or, you know, a person. Either way, nothing like last time, this one is catered.

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It takes a real man to think about chopping down a tree in nothing but white sneakers. Bateman is real big on fashion, I hope it’s not after labor day.

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Somehow in this shot she made her nose slide down her face like someone opened the Ark of the Covenant and closed it really quick.

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He is obviously just asking for a napkin in this shot, not a foot to the FACE Christie. So inconsiderate, I hope something not nice happens to you on the stairs.

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A good Mark Hamill joker laugh would go amazingly with this frame. Oh well, we do get a shiny face grill with crazy eyes and I think he might have used some Soul-Glo in that hair.

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This guard is not impressed, he is clearly more concerned about what will happen to the chairs if Bateman sits down. Soul-Glo isn’t good on…anything.

This sequence cracks me up. I recommend watching this at least 3 times in a row. The first image is Bateman in the dark room in extreme close up in a fit of extreme emotion and it goes from there. Just imagine what they could be saying while hitting us with those facial expressions, the possibilities are endless.

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Harold (Stephen Bogaert) doesn’t look as happy as he should be to be in Bateman’s presence. Bateman on the other hand seems to really enjoy this moment.

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I have no idea why he is hissing, or why that guy on the left’s hair is on fire. The mysteries of cinema.

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This is a face we haven’t seen before. Not sure what to make of it, I guess that is his default “I’ve just been hissed at by some dude” face.

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Same grill, but at least this time it’s on the side. The best part is Bateman in the back. I can hear him saying “Aqua Aluminum, Aqua Aluminum no, down Aqua Aluminum.”

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Bateman is clearly the winner of this post. Few were on the same level as him and he knows it. His confidence is either shining off his face, or that is the Sou-Glo seeping through his pores. Either way, that is a well deserved triangle mouth, eye brow bridge, super hero forehead grill. Well done sir, enjoy it.

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Patrick, what’s wrong? You’re sweating…again.

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There is fear behind those eyes. Bateman knows there is one man in this movie who might surpass him for the Grill Champion of American Psycho. I saved all his grillz for Round 2. Stay tuned for their one on one showdown.

Nick

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  1. […] American Face-Off Round: 1 the winner was clearly Patrick Bateman (Christian Bale).  Before he could raise his eyebrows in […]

    Pingback by Grill Wilson » American Face-Off Round: 2 — 2012.09.07 #

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