Ladies and Gentleman, I give you the Golden Grillz 2012.


I do realize that the 2012 Golden Globes took place months ago. I also realize that Gawker beat me to the punch. But what they don’t realize, is that when you spend an hour making your post, you can’t mine for gold as effectively. I’ve spent the better part of two months hand crafting this post for maximal comedic output. I’ve never poured more effort into my  animated gifs. These are the biggest stars in the world, and dammit, they deserve the red carpet grill treatment. So basically Gawker, stay your lane, get out of mine and leave the grill game to the professionals. You’ve been warned. For the faithful (the several of you), I proudly bestow upon you my magnum opus. I may have to lay off the animated gifs after this one, for in them resides the entirety of my soul, enjoy it.

Angelina Jolie is looking straight up emaciated over here, Brad Pitt is just enjoying the party. Good for him. It’s only going to get better from here Brad, that’s a promise.


Ricky Gervais is once again hosting the show and starring in the annual post for the third year running. It’s great to have you back Ricky, bravo.

The best part of the awards show grill oftentimes is not taking place in the foreground. Please direct your attention to super sleazeballish looking William H. Macy. Rock on partner, rock on.

Leo Dicaprio looks like he is utterly confused. He knows he isn’t going to win anything tonight and is wondering why he even bothered to show up. The unidentified female behind him is dropping a supreme grill though, way to go the extra mile.

Ricky also can’t figure out why Leo showed up.

But he clearly doesn’t give a shit. “Boris, they pay me to drink on stage, and be an asshole to everyone I talk to. Dream job scenario….clearly.” Ricky told me. I believe it too.

Oh hi Steve Buscemi. Its really good to see you branch out from cameos in shitty Adam Sandler movies to be the proper leading man we always knew you could be.


Johnny Depp is clearly enjoying Gervais’ psuedo-drunken hosting stylings.

Ken Branagh is just going through the motions here. This is barely grill worthy but I couldn’t cut my man like Marvel Studios did from directorial duties on Thor 2.

Hey Viggo, this frame was so funny that Gawker grabbed the exact same one. I bet they didn’t care enough to set up the tripod and do the Photoshop legwork that I did. Those assholes probably just captured you direct from their HTPC’s. Amateurs.


Gawker did lack the artistic ability to piece this gif masterpiece together. Big ups to Gerard Butler for being crazy and Scottish. You do your people proud. Mila Kunis is just along for the ride. I could have made this gif only showcase Butler, but I’m a benevolent griller that doles out charity to hot actresses. Your welcome.

Man would you look at the teeth on this guy. Great job Ewan McGregor, show off those pearly whites to the world.


If it isn’t adorkable Zooey Deschanel. Great to have you in the post. You’re just a delight.

Big ups to Tina Fey, for photo bombing the shit out of Amy Poehler.

Why if it isn’t Amy Poehler Parks and Recreation co-star Rob Lowe. Your spray tan does DJ Pauly DelVecchio proud.


That’s a power clap if I ever saw one Jodie Foster. Way to go.


Josh Brolin is seen here giving his best congratulatory clap to the winner of Best Actress Miniseries or TV Movie. What’s really impressive is how little he moves his head. That’s not Photoshop magic kids, that is extreme neck control.


If it isn’t Mr. Grill Wilson himself, Owen Wilson. Yes, this site was named for him partly. It’s great to finally work you and your broken nose into a post Owen, I don’t know what took me so long. Try to also notice Tim Robbins (who we’ll be hearing from later) being bored to tears by this ceremony. Would someone please spice things up for Tim Robbins already?


As if he were human Paprika, Jake Gyllenhaal adds some much needed heat to the proceedings. Nobody wears a bowtie quite like you Jake. Tim Robbins is now standing at full attention.


How’s it going Paula Patton. Your overreaction to the winner of this award is much appreciated by this camp. Hope to have you back next year.


This random cat is Ludovic Bource, now Golden Globe winner for Best Original Score. You know it seems more humble Ludovic if you don’t have a four paragraph, prepared victory speech. Act like you’ve been the before brah.

Elton John doesn’t give a fuuuuuuuck right now. Good for you man. Don’t buy into this circle jerk of celebrity crowd.

Gerard Butler is busy tripping through space and time right now, he’s in a different galaxy dancing on star dust and shit. Whenever you’re ready to come back Gerard, we’ll be ready to welcome you back, with arms wide open.

George Clooney is hopped up on some fine 2004 vintage Bordeaux right about now. It’s got him in a hella good mood.

Those same good feelings are also being felt by my main man Tim Robbins. Dude hasn’t acted in anything relevant for like 5 years but who cares, it’s a celebration.


Joseph Gordon-Levitt ropes you in on this one, but don’t ignore random dude on the right edge of frame, or my main man Will Arnett getting that HARD clap on up top.

This is the point in the post where Channing Tatum asserts himself and tries to win the post.

Damn son, that’s even better than the brain dead face you dropped on us prior. What will you have for us next?


Not only did Channing hit us with that happy-clap, he brought along Jessica Alba for the ride too. That’s got to be reflected in the final score card.

I know we named the site after you Owen Wilson, but to usurp Channing Tatum you’re gonna have to come harder than that.

Oh snap, Evan Rachel Wood and Guy Pearce’s photo bomb just eliminated you from the running Owen, better luck next year dog.


Even Ricky knows you fucked up.

“Don’t you think you’re being a little hard on your namesake there Boris?” Ricky asked politely. Why no Ricky, I don’t think I am.

Leo still has the look of a nervous schoolgirl on his face. Dammit man, be the leading man that we all know you can be. The chick behind you knows how soft you look right now. You need a little schooling, and you know who’s gonna give it to you?


Dustin Fucking Hoffman, that’s who. This guy knows it’s a show, and he’s packin’. Pure grill heat. Get your shit together Leo.


Even TV star Morena Baccarin is coming harder than you. You’re one of the biggest stars on the planet, you can’t be overdone by a Firefly actress.


Now Mandy Patinkin knows how to party. So do all of the A-holes behind him.


Matter of fact the entire cast of Homeland, including Brit Damian Lewis, is doing a better job than you.


The proceedings are tickling Sacha Baron Cohen. He’s barely A-List Leo. You gotta do better than him.


Oh BABY!!! Tom Jane’s show just got canceled, but he won’t let that spoil his night, oh no, he’s got that cowboy hat doing WORK for him.


Thank you Eric Stonestreet, for moving your body even less than Josh Brolin did in his slow clap gif. You’re an inspiration.

Even Matt LeBlanc is shocked that you idiot voters gave him an award.

“Are you fucking serious? LeBlanc??? That’s GOT to be a joke!!!” said party boy extraordinaire Bradley Cooper. Don’t change Bradley, we love you just the way your are.


Dustin Hoffman is making his bid for Grillwilson hall of fame status after only two gifs, thus making Dicaprio’s showing look like the piece of shit it has been so far.

Brad Pitt, why you gotts to be so great? Check out that asshole Andy Serkis, who thinks he was the only party responsible for his performance in Rise of the Planet of Apes. On behalf of CG artists everywhere, FUCK YOU bro. You’d just be an asshole in a lycra suit without CG artists.

Dammit Leo, you’re making me embarrassed for you right now. Why would you even show up to this show if you didn’t have anything to add to it?


Even Chris Tucker, that’s right Chris Tucker, who ain’t done shit since  2007 brought more grill work to the show. He’s just happy that people think he’s a “movie star” even though empirical evidence would prove otherwise.

Oh man, the Hollywood Foreign Press Association just gave Marty Scorcese another undeserved award. Elton John is happy about it, and he isn’t the only one.


THANK YOU LEO!!!! About fucking time. That clap/smile combo you just gave us completely exonerates you of the previous bed shitting you laid upon us. Welcome to the show.

William Hurt and the chick beside him don’t believe that Scorcese should have won. You look like William Butthurt right now.


Owen Wilson is trying to win this post with one last ditch effort. Not bad my dude, but it won’t be enough tonight.

Oh Brad Pitt, it’s like you knew this post was lacking for effeminate hand positions, and you just dialed it up for me on the spot. Muchas gracias mi jefe, you’re a hero.

If it isn’t up and comer Michael Fassbender. Who doesn’t love this guy? Love the dolphin teeth and the nervous looking cat to your right.

As far as I’m concerned Channing Tatum wins the title belt for Best Grill Performance in this post. Dude’s wife looks like a barbie doll with too much makeup on, but that didn’t stop him from laying comedic gold in 21 Jump Street. I love what you’re up too, and stick to comedies, nobody is buying that bullshit you were selling in The Vow.

I hate to bring attention to this one, as we’re talking about a legend, but Sidney Poitier looks like he’s on another planet right now. Loved you in A Raisin in the Sun, but come back to Earth now would you?

Everyone is this frame is so happy, except for that curmudgeon motherfucker in the back row. Calm down Lee Harvey, it’s a party. Fassbender got the memo, and thank the gods for that.

I wrote this entire post loaded on Gulden Draak, and I think I did it justice despite my inebriation. Thank You all, from the bottom of my heart. Until next year,


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