Hard Times for Jeff Spicoli: Part One

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“Well Stu, I’ve gotta tell you, I had a lotta rough breaks out there, but I have a feeling in the end things are gonna go my way, huhuhuh yeaah.”

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“Jeff…”

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”…wake up Jeff…”

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“MR. SPICOLI!”

Welcome to Ridgemont, a family friendly community made up of punk kids, impressionable young girls, child predators, and jerk teachers. Which category do you fall into?

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How about part-time ticket scalper, full-time DEVO fan Mike DAMONE (Robert Romanus)?

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Well, it’s not a smoking gun, but he’s starting to knock on that door…

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Arnold (Scott Thompson) seems to be completely overwhelmed by the power of the shake machine over at Bronco Burger.

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Careful attention was paid to the wardrobe in this movie, as clearly demonstrated by the latest wares donned by Brad Hamilton (Judge Reinhard) in this frame.

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“White Boys Don’t Dance, we just put hands in our pants, and lean back, lean back, lean back…

Truthfully, he’s one of the most realistic and endearing characters in the movie. As we’ll come to find out, this doesn’t work much in his favor.

Well, then how about Ron Johnson, the late 20’s / early 30’s pretty boy out preying on teenager part-timers in the mall.

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I’ll take a slice of plain… AND your phone number?

I’m trying to imagine today’s equivalent, but the concept of mall food courts has changed so radically since the 70’s. You’d have to be pulling these coifed hair, coifed teeth moves while waiting on line for that Cajun Grill / Panda Express buffet special.

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Spicoli and his credited “stoner buds” blasting into All-American Burger, shirts off and stogies lit before they even sat down.

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The sign out front says “No Shoes, No Shirt, No Dice”, but if we take our shirts off AFTER we come in, we’re totally compliant! But I don’t have any dinero…

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Hey, I got a dollar.

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Righteous!

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Here we can admire Jeff’s ergonomic reaction to Brad Hamilton’s gentle warning about the All-American policy on wearing shirts.

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Subtle. Cool. Collected. Unfazed. Jeff Spicoli.

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Ah, Ridgemont High…I’m not sure if we’re lead to believe this is the first day of class, or an average day full of TP’ed shrubbery.

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From left to right: impressionable young girl, punk kid, child predator.

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Could it be? Nick Cage (as Nicholas Coppola)? YES, IT IS!

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Jefferson (Forest Whitaker) politely grills Damone on the whereabouts of his Earth, Wind and Fire tickets, using a surprisingly civil tone for his appearance. I mean, this was long before Wesley Snipes.

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“Relax! I got you covered. This chin don’t lie,” squeaked Mike, with a face looking as if it were going full speed while standing still.

That is one aerodynamic jaw line and the chin-spoiler gives both sides of his part equally great lift.

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The “Surf Nazis” spill out Party Van just in time for class: well after the late bell.

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“Hey, I know that dude!”

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Well, at least Jeff thought he was on time.

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“Dude, that’s my schedule.”

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Mr. Hand AND Ray Walston: COLD AS ICE.

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I mean, stoner as he is, he was polite enough about the schedule confusion. You kinda feel bad for the guy, with a single tear welling up and all.

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“You DICK!”

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Here Jeff treats us to a grill which I can only describe as “Gnarly Disappointment”, or perhaps “Radical Disbelief”. Dude got played HARD in front of his peers. He got his ass Handed to him. STAY STRONG SPICOLI!

Meanwhile, in the cafeteria, the geek table gawks at Phoebe Cates and Jennifer Jason Leigh practicing fellatio on unpeeled carrots. What kind of lazy ass parent is tossing a whole, unpeeled carrot into their kid’s lunch bag? Parent UP!

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Future Child Predators, the lot of’em.

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Oh SHIT! Watch out kids, you’re about to get VARGAS’ed. B-B-B-Ballin’!

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Mark “Rat” Ratner (Brian Backer), awestruck by his teacher’s entrance.

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BOOM! Mr. Vargas (Vincent Schiavelli), born Biology teacher, as if Biology could only be taught by people of such exaggerated features and personalities, straight KILLIN’ it with his casual stride and joking demeanor towards the students. Thanks for that intro, we’ll see more of you later Boss!

Later that evening, in the Devo-poster-clad room of Mike DA-MONE, he asks “Rat” if he thinks his mustache is growing in.

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“Yeah, Damone, it’s almost a full handlebar already,” Rat swoons.

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Damone fancies himself something of a ladies man, and here he attempts to school Rat on the doctrines of coolness and getting chicks.

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In a perfect world, being a DEVO fan would actually serve to help that cause.

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Regardless of Damone’s cool mannered confidence, in practice, creepy grins likes from cradle-robbers like Don Johnson here (D.W. Brown) get all the action.

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Stacy showing us what it’s like to have a crush on your Uncle. Meanwhile, Ro Jo’s got the expression of a schoolboy who can’t keep a laugh in during the middle of class. That, or a serial killer.

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Yeah, DON, I’m watching you. I know your game. Watch your back player.

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What else did you expect to find in a dugout make-out spot?

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Hey, it’s hardworking, can’t-catch-a-break, can’t-buy-me-luck, 100% Guaranteed All-American Brad Hamilton! He really loves his Buick.

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But I mean, when your stuck working a shit job like this, employee of the month or not, you need some simple pleasures to look forward to after work.

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”BRAAAD!” screams Arnold, who with Brad’s good word is now officially an employee of All-American Burger. A favor Brad is starting to regret.

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Go ahead buddy, you deserve it.

Meanwhile, back at school, Jeff is fulfilling his role as a High student.

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“Hey, there’s no birthday party for me here!”

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I’m gonna go ahead and say this is the third best entrance in the movie. I’ll save the best for Part 2, but that should give you an idea for what’s in store. But still, amazing! Bravo Sean Penn!

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Mr. Hand, nonplussed, asks Jeff why he’s habitually late to his class.

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A normal kid would be have been broken down during Mr. Hand’s dry beratement of Jeff’s enlightened response. A normal kid also wouldn’t come to the conclusion that using their waistline to stash half a bagel was a good idea.

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Spicoli, delighted that he’s finally getting the recognition he deserves.

Hopping back over to Ridgemont Mall, we can see Damone running his ticket scalping game for the betterment of the community.

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“Hey, you got any Blue Oyster Cult?”

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Rat entertains his offer while Damone stonewalls him, as much as a guy wearing a piano scarf can.

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Here we see Damone giving Rat some last minute advice before asking for Stacy’s number.

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Rat, stiff as a board, actually scoring the digits despite Damone’s best efforts.

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Stacy, that’s not a very wholesome look. Our Rat is a good kid, don’t corrupt him.

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Over at All-American Burger, Brad considers blowing his brains out in the toilet Gomer Pyle Style.

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“I am a star. I’m a star, I’m a star, I’m a star…. I am a big, bright, shining star.”

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What a great employee!

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That is, until he meets Sonny Carl Davis. (as Sonny Davis, Businessman). His complaint is that the breakfast wasn’t the best he’d ever had. Brad explains he has to dig up some forms for a refund.

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“MO RON!”

Sonny gets impatient. Tapping out the last of his of courteously, Brad tells him he’s going to kick 100% of his ass, a great rebuttal to the 100% guaranteed breakfast complaint.

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“Is there a problem here?”

BOOM! Dennis Taylor (Tom Nolan), store manager.

I feel for you Brad, I really do. How soon we forget our praise, Dennis Taylor! Look over your shoulder! Just who are you firing here!?

Well, Blondie, like I was saying to Rat, it’s all about confidence. Now, you can see by my gestures, the subtle shiftiness of my eyes, that I’m exuding confidence over here. I know you’re going to love part two of this Blondie, and you’re gonna read it because I’m just giving you a little preview of what’s in store.

Coming soon in Part 2:


Spicoli and Stanley Davis Jr.. take a Joyride!


Forest Whitaker goes ape!


Rat angrily devours chocolate while I rock suggestive poses listening to DEVO.

Also: fist fights, nudity, Christoph doppelgangers, more awesome entrances, the single most brazen classroom stunt in recorded history, Nicholas Cage and MORE!

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Like I said, it’s all about confidence baby.

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