American Face-Off, Round: 2


In American Face-Off Round: 1 the winner was clearly Patrick Bateman (Christian Bale).  Before he could raise his eyebrows in furrowed victory, I told legend of one man who could knock him off his oily faced pedestal.  Yet, in spite of my endorsement of the challenger, there he sits exuding supreme confidence.  He is emotionless, dare I say…plastic.  But I digress, without further ado I give you the number one contender…


Det. Donald Kimball (Willem Dafoe).  Like any great facial pugilist, he greets his opponent with a gentlemanly handshake.  Well done sir.  Enough talk, we came here for a face off!


It’s almost as if he is saying “aww, what a cute, acute, peacock nose”.  Wow, SOMEONE’S inner monologue is very rude.  I don’t know about you but those caterpillar eyebrows are just so mes…mor…iz……..


In his first grill attempt, he goes straight cheesin’ with full dagger mouth.  Those face katanas are impressive but you need more than that to win this contest.


Clearly thrown by Kimball’s unorthodox tactics.  The only thing he can think to do is jut his chin out leno style in an attempt to deflect that poorly cooked grill back at him.  With the support of 80’s New York to his back, he hopes that this will surely be enough to knock Kimball out of the ring like Firpo did to Dempsey in 1923.  (yeah I Googled the year)


WHOA!  SURPRISE!  It’s like his face is being sucked through a straw and he is trying like hell to resist.  Was he playing Rope-A-Dope with Bateman’s emotions? (last boxing reference I promise)


I can’t tell if he’s stunned or simply basking in the essence of that sneak attack.  I’m hoping for the latter, I bet it smells like a majestic blend of almonds and Froot Loops.


You can’t get more pleased with yourself than what we are seeing here.  I think I made that exact face when I managed to knock Tyson down for the first time in Punchout.  Then he got up, winked, and knocked Little Mac off the screen (that was video game boxing, doesn’t count).


There it is, the move that won him the title of champion, the infamous bridge eyebrows.  In that light, not only does Bateman look almost stoic, but part of his tie looks like some tetris blocks.  Look out!  If that last square drops you will lose the bottom half of that Cravatta Pelliano tie!

Seems as though Kimball decides it’s time to bust out the foreign objects…did he just stick his tongue out?


Too enthralled by bolo tie and the acid wash suit on the cd cover to notice Kimball’s blatant taunting.  Seriously though, I thought acid wash didn’t become a thing until the 90’s.


Bateman is too lost in the glow of the horrible fashion choices on that cd cover.  Kimball knows he has him., it’s only a matter of time now.


Is it just me, or did his face get thinner after that assault?


OK whew, as long as someone else noticed.


Right before the first half ends Kimball takes full advantage of his flexible skin and goes full epidermis origami.  Pair that with some dagger mouth, and this is what I was expecting from that beginning.  Way to wait to pull out the big guns.

Let’s take a little break and let the judges tally up their cards.  Perhaps a change of venue for the second half.


The last battlefield between these two Visage Vikings ideally would be at Dorsia, but unless you make the reservations 3 years in advance or you’re that stupid bastard Paul Allen (Jared Leto) you’re eating elsewhere.  So here we are, check out Bateman cutting into that man meat like it’s his last meal.  Dude isn’t even looking!


This is the shiniest that I have ever seen him.  Either he is really nervous, or he is hoping Kimball is afraid of his own reflection.


Not impressed by his extra glazed strategy.  So as a contrast, he somehow sucks all the moisture from his own face at once.


Not even giving Bateman time to make a move, Kimball hits us with some bug eyes and a face seems to grow a new fold every time I look at it…almost like…it knows.


I like to imagine that he is saying “HOO hoo-hoo HOOOOOOOOOOOO!”


Oh yeah, Kimball just remembered that he is awesome. Just don’t stare directly into his bug eyes during this life-draining grill, what you see after that can never be unseen.  On a lighter note, notice how the wrinkles from his forehead moved to his hand.


In this list ditch effort, he hits us with some more bridge eye brows and even more face oil.  He has to have some special gland that should not exist in humans.


HE’S DOWN!  I didn’t even know a shark face was possible!  This is just the best of the best of Kimball, nay the entire movie.  Let’s take inventory of this knock out punch. So we got dagger mouth, acute peacock nose, origami skin, and it looks like somehow his lips disappeared.  Throw in some fat Ron Livingston over his shoulder and Bateman didn’t stand a chance.  .


The only thing he and the rest of us can do at this point is look on in admiration.  Even though he lost, the amazing thing is that this shot proves that he can grease and degrease his face at will.  That has to earn you some recognition.  Don’t worry, if I ever see you outside the American Gardens building on W 81st street, I will throw you a high five.  Well done both of you.

– Nick

One thought on “American Face-Off, Round: 2”

  1. That was incredible! Does anyone else feel like this post should have started off with Carl Weathers going “Ding… Ding.”? But seriously, Bale didn’t stand a chance. Poor guy, look at him. Knocked out in the second round. You’ll get ’em next time, kid.

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