Golden Grillz 2013


Yes ladies (maybe) and gentlemen, it’s that time of year once again. Hot on the coattails of the Toilet Boll and Malentine’s Day, we’ve at last come to our annual celebration of the pinnacle of entertainment, the Golden Globes. No awards show mixes star power with alcohol more deftly than the Globes, and it’s with that in mind that I give you the Globes as experienced through the filter of Grill Wilson.


I may occasionally mention the actual winners of the night, but I’d be lying if I said I didn’t have a more important reason for this post. It’s of course to crown the MVG or Most Valuable Griller. To officially start the show, it’s none other than the consummate showman himself, Mr. Robert Downey Jr. I’m pretty sure no one enjoys being famous more than he does. How’d you get to be so cool Rob?


Bill Murray is barely trying, but the facial hair alone needed to be highlighted and preserved for future generations.


Daniel Craig only bothered to show up because he knew the Moet would be flowing. Craig, seen here, is taking full advantage. “It’s good…it’s good.” He repeated to anyone willing to listen.


Oh Robert, you really are bringing the heat. Pretty sure this won’t be the last grill you float our way.


Ben Affleck is giving us this magic moment, eyes wide shut, mouth wide open, beard on full display. Who can blame him, that beard was the best part of your performance in Argo. I’m kidding Ben, can’t you tell when someone is messinggg with you?


Why if it isn’t our old pal Mandy Patinkin, looking homeless as ever.


It’s a little early in the show, but the booze has already kicked in for Philadelphia’s own, Bradley Cooper.


The top half of Tommy Lee Jones’ body is in a cryogenic deep freeze, but you can’t contain the lower halves excitement.


Quentin Tarantino is looking sleazy as ever. Black is slimming in most cases Q, most cases.


I like what you’re doing here Leo, but it’s gonna take WAAAYYYY more than that to win MVG this year.


That’s more like it, this is Hugh Jackman’s pre-grill face. All business, perfectly manicured facial hair. It’s been a breakout year for him as a serious actor, and he’s after that title of MVG, just look at the fire in his eyes. Also, check out Les Miserables director Tom Hooper’s collar attempting to swallow his head.


Christoph Waltz is accepting his semi-annual statue, and is also kind enough to bestow upon us this lovely grill.


Dennis Quaid somehow aged exponentially since we last saw him. He’s definitely feeling more like a mannequin than a living, breathing human being. Mannequins also have better hair pieces.


Dennis clearly heard my last comment through space and time, and decided to display a wider range of motion to prove that is in fact a real boy.


That last move was clearly taxing on ole boy, cause he’s back to full mannequin.


Over emoting appears to be the theme on display here. Annie Hathaway is making sure you can see the result of extensive dental work, while her husband is photo bombing the shit out of this frame. Turns out its contagious, cause Stevie Spielberg is really hamming it up in the background.


Now fully sauced, Daniel Craig is testing that his facial muscles still respond to the commands from his brain. Luckily for us all, they do.


Here’s another entry from MVG contender Hugh Jackman. He’s fully embodying wispiness right now, with the soft facial expression and the lightweight golf clap. Also, this grill was brought to you by JJ Abrams.


Hugh is getting a tremendous amount of mileage from that face. He’s approaching his candidacy for MVG quite seriously.


I’ll let you use your imagination to figure out what Jon Hamm is saying here.


Jeremy Irons is the clear front runner to play Skeletor in the eventual remake of Masters of the Universe.


Not content with simply being nominated, Bradley Cooper is making it known that he’s in it to win it. That bottle of Moet is surely dry, and Bradley is riding on its waves to a hopeful MVG title.


In a show of versatility, Mr. Cooper finally reveals those baby blues.


There’s the signature Jon Hamm smile that kills all the suaveness in his persona, proving that he most certainly is doing quite a bit of acting as Don Draper. He will never be rewarded for his efforts, cause most voters think he is Don Draper.


Oh hi Damien Lewis, looks like I was right, you beat out Jon Hamm for Best Actor TV Drama. I haven’t watched Homeland yet so I’ll give you the benefit of the doubt.


No real female competitors for MVG have surfaced, but Paul Rudd is keen to be up for consideration. Nice triangle mouth Paul.


That’s a triangle vegetable medley if I’ve ever seen one. While Paul Rudd is proving how versatile his face is, Salma Hayek’s is basically stuck in neutral. Better luck next year Salma.


Jason Statham’s face is at full capacity, he can bring nothing more, nothing less. Speaking of his face, its about fifty percent beard anyway. He looks like he has to shave with a chainsaw.


Jennifer seems to be agreeing with me, but I think Jason might be on the way to deal out some swift murder.


Jason and Jennifer were presenting “Best Song from a Motion Picture”, which made a winner out of Adele’s Bond theme “Skyfall”, much to Daniel Craig’s delight. In the celebration he unfortunately swallowed all of his teeth.


Statham sheds his gruff, outdoors-man persona to wallow in the success of fellow Brit.


Taylor Swift is unimpressed.


Somewhere, over the years, Jon Bon Jovi’s face and hair color became indistinguishable.


Ed O’Neill and Ty Burrell are happy about something, but all I can see is Oswald Cobblepot’s hand right above Ed’s head.


Oh hello Benedict Cumberbatch. That’s a perfectly nice clenched grill you’ve given us. I can’t help but be drawn to the lady over your right shoulder who’s head has the proportions of the old man from Disney/Pixar’s Up.


Sean “Puff Daddy, P Diddy, Diddy Dirty Money” Combs and Mark “Marky Mark” Wahlberg are loving the show so far. Extra points for the unison boys. Who will take the reigns and come home with the coveted title of MVG? Find out in the Golden Grillz 2013, Part II.

Until next time,

Your Pal,
Jackson Boris

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  1. […] know it’s only been about a week since Part I went up, but y’all knew I couldn’t stay away too long. Now it’s time at last for […]

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