Happy Malentine’s Day 2013!

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Once again it’s Malentine’s Day-  time for flowers, chocolates, and buddy cop bromantic comedies. This year we’ll be taking a look at Tango & Cash, the smash hit from 1989. Pretty sure it won Best Picture that year, but I could be mistaken. Anyway, Let’s meet our two heroes!

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We’ll start with Ray Tango. I think Roy Tango sounds better though, seems like a missed opportunity.

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Roy’s a cop, and a damn good one at that. Let’s see who he’s up against.


Looks like Slash, and…


…possibly Quagmire.

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Regardless, Ray Tango is coiffed and fully prepared.

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Looks like Tango is taking some guff from a State Trooper.


“Yup, that’s some good blow.”

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Here’s Jack Palance, our lovable villain, growing increasingly impatient. “When are you gonna introduce Gabriel Cash?!”

Alright, alright, here he comes now:

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Obviously, it’s our boy Kurt Russell.

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Gabe Cash is also a cop, also damn good at his job.

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Grabbing a quick bite to eat.

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Admiring his impressive mane in the mirror.

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“What’s that noise?”

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A dude busts through the mirror and shoots the sandwich out of Cash’s hand.

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Cash, in pursuit of his attacker, thoughts of lost pastrami and hard cheeses dancing behind those hungry eyes.

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“Hey! That’s-a my car!!”

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“Your car? What about my lunch?!”

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“That grinder cost me $3.78.”

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Cash will do anything to get his man.


“I never learned how to drive!”

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“My car!!!”


How can you stay mad at that face?

You know what? You can’t.

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“Hey Cash, I just ate four hoagies, two in each hand.”

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Act 1 resolves with Cash settling for a slice of Pizza.

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And Act 2 begins with the mystery of the missing slice. “Ok, who took my slice? Was it you?”

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“Or was it you, with the greasy lips?”

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Poor Cash can’t catch a break.

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“Cash, I swear, it wasn’t me!”

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“Whatever you say, pizza-breath.”

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Looks like Palance is doing a little grilling of his own.

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“James Hong, entertain me!”

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“Uh, I mean- pretty please?”


“Sure thing, Jack-o.”

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At this point, Tango and Cash are forced to pair up. What follows is a an abridged, yet accurate depiction of their ‘We’re gonna have to work together’ conversation.

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Some heavy stuff, but it looks like they’ve worked it out.


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Here’s the part of the movie where they point their guns and start yelling.


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“Wait, I thought you paid for that pizza?”

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“No, I just paid for those four hoagies.”

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This is the top brass.

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And here’s a nice grill-laden newspaper clipping.


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“Man, I wish I had another seven hoagies right about now.”

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“SEVEN?! I thought you said you only had four?”

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“Is this true, Mr. Tango? Did you truly consume seven hoagies on the day in question?”

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“Alright Roy, let’s think about this.”

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“Get a closeup of me thinking.”


“Hey Tango, check out my muscle.”


“Whoa, nice! I mean- This is serious Cash! Stop goofing around!”


“This is serious, Cash. Stop goofing around, Cash.”

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“Ok, ok, let’s tell ’em that I had the other three hoagies.”

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“And then, you go buy me three hoagies.”

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“And then I eat ’em. How does that sound?”

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“It’s worth a shot. Let’s see what the judge says.”


“Alright, let’s do this. I’m starving and I got the shakes.”

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“Your Honor?”

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More anticipation…


“I ate the other three hoagies like this!”

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Complete pandemonium.

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At this point you may be asking yourself, “Self, where’s the bromance?”

Well it starts now:

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Nothing says Malentine’s Day better than two naked dudes in prison, taking a shower together.

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“Aughhh, smells like hoagies in here.”

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“Wasn’t me.”

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“Hey Cash, I like your hair.”

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“Say ‘hi’ to Ron Howard’s brother for me.”

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Oh hi, Clint Howard!

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It’s your second post in a row!

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“I’m so excited.”

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Ok, so I was joking before. But THIS is what Malentine’s Day is all about. Two wrongfully accused, sweaty, muscle-y dudes wearing wife-beaters, about to fight for their lives and break out of prison. Wait, that still doesn’t quite sound right… Well, you get the idea.

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“How about a shave before the fight?”

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“Are you kidding me?”

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“Do I look like I’m kidding?”

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“I’m ready to fight! You think this is a game, neighbor? Arf! Arf!!”


Cash’s DMX impression scared the henchman off, for now…

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“Oh boy.”

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This is Robert Z’Dar.

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His character’s name is Face.

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I’m not sure why they call him that…

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…when you’ve got Stallone pulling grills like this!

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“You think that looks weird?”

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“Check this one out!”

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It wasn’t your best work, Kurt, but no need to pout.

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“Come on Tango, let’s get out of here and grab those hoagies!”


Coppin’ a squat in the sewers.

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Tango getting thoroughly grossed out while looking up at Cash’s pits.

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The boys finally made their daring escape, but Cash couldn’t wait and longer and began eating everything in sight.


“That wristwatch? Not bad.”

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“He ate a wristwatch?”

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“Was it a Swatch?”

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“Show me how to make a mixtape for Tango.”

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This is at the… gentleman’s club or whatever it is. Tango’s sister “dances” here. And “plays the drums”, er, electronic drum pads. Poorly. And the crowd LOVES it. It’s pretty bizarre.

But when the fuzz shows up at the club, there’s only one way for Cash to escape.

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Dress up as a sexy lady, obviously.

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One of the cops whistles at her, I mean him, as he leaves.


Here you go, Boris. I actually did some work on this one.

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“That watch wasn’t very satisfying. Where’s Tango with those hoagies?”

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“Oh hey Tango, did you get the hoagies?”

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“I made you a mixtape!”

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“And I helped!”

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“Ok, no I didn’t…”

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“Aww, guys, you shouldn’t have.”

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Guns held close to chest and throat. But Cash, I think you can hold a bigger gun than that even closer to your chest, couldn’t you? (foreshadowing!)

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“Man, I’m so hungry I don’t even know what I’m doing anymore. You brought those hoagies, right Tango?”

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“Oh hey Cash- I forgot! Plus, I don’t have any money on me! Hahahahaha!”

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“Hahahahaha!! I’m so hungry I don’t even care!”


“Let’s just shake all the money out of this guy’s pockets!”

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“Alright, enough with the hoagies. Let’s just finish this.”

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First they cop another squat while they hatch a plan.

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“Perfect. I’ll drive.”

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“They’re shooting at us!”

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“Let me hyperextend my elbow and fire back with this grill!”

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“Good thing I brought my baby gun.”

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Looks like he’s looking out one of those bubble-dome windows, lost in a McDonald’s Playland.

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Roy spits hot fire.

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“I found a bigger gun, just gotta hold it closer…”

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“…there we go!”

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Obligatory ‘ugly henchmen grills’.

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“They have hoagies…”

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“But they’re all rigged with C4…”

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“I’m so hungry!!!!”

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“Nhuuhh… All the hoagies are blown up.”

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“Holy crap! I forgot to tell you- I grabbed a couple before they all exploded!”

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Well, it looks like the bad guys lost their lucrative Wawa + gas station franchise, and Cash finally got to eat some real food. The End.

See you again next year, and may all your Malentine’s Day wishes come true!



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