Welcome to the first annual Toilet Boll.  Every year around the great American holiday of the Superbowl I will grill one of Uwe Boll’s magnum opuses.  Most of his work is unwatchable (which is why I will only do this once a year) but since I’m jealous of Chris’s Malentine’s Day, I will suffer through this annually for the grill public.  Without Further-a-do, I give you…TOILET BOLL 2013!

The first notable contribution comes from Bif Naked, yes that’s her credited name.  Apparently she is a legitimate DJ who must have made some questionable career choices.  Unless Toilet Boll is her dad, I can’t think of any reason why she would agree to do this movie.  Poor life management aside, I must give credit where credit’s due.  I am in awe of her stretch skinned/way too old to be DJing a rave mouse grill.  (Her website is currently under construction, I can only assume since 2003).

I have no idea who this dude is, but I wish I did.  Just look at the way the sun light dances on what I assume to be the first recorded case of Ginger Jew Fro.  As if that wasn’t enough I’m dumbfounded by his decision use his hair as a sunglasses holder, despite that he is obviously squinting from too much sun light.  Does anybody else feel like the motion blur makes him look like he only has one arm?

Thank god for Salish (Clint Howard).  His presence makes this movie bearable.  I don’t know who told Clint to play his character as if he was just pepper sprayed, but I thank you.  I was really hoping that he had a hook for a hand, but spoiler alert (as if it matters) he is a full 10 fingered character, like God on the Simpsons.

Here Salish gives a close up of his pepper sprayed face.  Either that or Simon (Tyron Leitso) has a serious case of the talking spits.

Salish is straight up losing his shit on Talkin’ Spits!  It’s like he is trying to devour his soul.

You know he means business when both eyes are wide open.  Check out Simon standing his ground.  You earn real man points for taking the full brunt of Salish’s wrath.  Either that or you are frozen with fear, I know I was.

Hey it’s ok, Captain Kirk (Jürgen Prochnow) comes in to break up the party.  I don’t remember how effective he was here, all I can remember thinking is “why is Salish wearing full rain gear on a sunny day when they are clearly docked?”

Then I stopped caring as I got lost in his eye.

Speaking of eyes, say hi to Greg (Will Sanderson).  I chose the first shot of him to be practically closed lids so you aren’t bombarded by his full glory at once.  Just a heads up, I had no idea what he was looking at most of the time, more on that later.

Welcome to later.  He is somehow staring at both of them at the same time while they gaze longingly at each other.  It’s like some kind or weird staring triangle…almost a…pentagram!  I see what you did there Toilet Boll, sneaky.

About to head out, but first we need a Salish half face photobomb.  I can never thank you enough sir.

Just a shot of Talkin Spits admiring Capt. Kirk as he is straight cheesin’.

“Look into my eye…you are getting sleepy”

Meanwhile on deck, Greg can’t keep it together.  So he lunges across and yammies in Cynthia’s (Sonja Salomaa) really small Chinese take out bag.

She oddly doesn’t seem to mind.  They must be one of those weird “I puke on you, you puke on me” couples.  No thankyou.jpg.

They make it to the island, and what better way to celebrate than a manly bro-embrace? Guess which one isn’t feeling it.

Not only do we get some unnecessary thrusting, but it’s in front of a Sega sign.  Dreamcast, you were ahead of your time.  Oh well, just bask in repetitious glory of this gif and enjoy his raw crotch power.  Pay no attention to her groin level claw and murder face, just keep on thrustin’.

I said keep on thrustin!  Oh well, I guess you can’t thrust forever.  Wow, she will just let him do anything to her.  Keep it classy.

So Matt (Steve Byers), you are in a horror movie and you plan on going swimming?  Be sure to keep that “I think I just saw my first boob” face going.  Looking like that you can out crazy the crazies, your plan is bullet proof.

Way to push it to the limit with that mouth skin Johanna (Erica Durance).  It’s almost like she swallowed her own teeth.  Why are you so freaked out?

Oh no, so your swimming plan back fired?  Just don’t let that red drool drip and ruin that amazing “Hawaiian Shirt” with special curtain print.

Salish and Captain Kirk share a moment.

A moment that can only end in rapid finger licking.  For some reason I keep hearing What is love by Haddaway.

Liberty (Kira Clavell) about to spew forth some words of wisdom to our favorite zombie slashers.  She somehow has crazy eyes even though she really isn’t doing anything.  Also she is so slathered in makeup, if someone snaps their fingers near face she is done.

Liberty is going full rage right before shit gets real.  Real patriotic! (sigh)

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(This isn’t grill related but I think I need to point something out.  Kira Clavell was cast to play someone who knows martial arts.  Based on one dimensional movie logic, martial arts leads us to believe her character is mostly of oriental decent.  Then they name her Liberty and give her a Stars and Stripes onesy.  Oh and Kira herself I believe is about 12.5% Cantonese.)

Talking Spits’s mind is blown by that logic.  Rudy (Jonathan Cherry) holds up his baby axe as defense against these bad ideas.  Then he pairs it with a nicely formed open mouth for maximum support.

Even Greg is stupefied by that, or something else has his attention, with that face I really can’t tell.

Oh I see.  Wow, sucks for Cynthia.  Most girls her (character’s) age worry about getting pregnant after a good thrust/grinding.  She gets straight up zombie mouth.

Greg is obviously fighting a massive fart here.  But Karma (Enuka Okuma) is holding that flame too close to him so he decides it’s best to keep it in.  Besides, they have enough to worry about without throwing flammable gas in the mix.  Way to be a team player.

Hey look a zombie that isn’t one of the main cast.  Why is he covered in ketchup sores?

Is this some undead cheesin’.  Is that even possible?

Castillo (David Palffy) has a flashback with the captain, doesn’t he look just like Will Sasso’s version of Kenny Rogers?

He seems really be into what he did with the captain.  I can’t get over his ecstasy face with perfectly white teeth and no chest hair in the age of Pirates.  This is almost as ridiculous as Rocky IV when he is freshly shaved but has a full mountain beard.

The only reason this shot was done was to try to corner the windows wallpaper market.  Oh Toilet Boll, you are always thinking about that bottom  line.

These might be the worst zombies I have ever seen.  It looks like they are wearing fried coconuts on their heads.

Yeah Liberty, you shoot with those perma-crazy eyes!

I haven’t seen someone stand so still while using an automatic weapon since the original Contra.  I hope he used the konami code for extra lives.

Another ketchup covered zombie, but this time he has avocado skin.

YAAAAAGH!!!!!  I didn’t do anything to this image.  She is literally just moving her mouth, like a 12.5% asian nut cracker.

I don’t remember exactly what this is.  I hope it’s shot from the crotch’s point of view.

Another ketchup face!  Seriously, did the make up person think this looked good or was there some huge accident at lunch?

Rudy can’t take these condiment commandos anymore.  He goes full horse rage with brows that somehow are able to fold over his eyes.  What are you doing wasting your time in movies?  That skill can make you web famous.

Judging by the relaxing of the Vbrows and the prominent showing of his lower teeth, he either gave up or he’s distracted.

Oh, now I see.  No that’s not George Clooney’s batsuit.

Notice how non of these zombies have anything in common.  It’s like the UN of the undead.  I love the middle aged oriental woman on the right, she doesn’t look the most out of place at all.

Rudy hits us with a Harvey Dent half face.  I just can’t help looking at Karma, either that’s mist or her soul trying to escape from her eyes due to all the bad acting.

WHOA!!  Dent face PLUS horse rage.  Whoever he’s looking at is in for it.  It’s not like he does this all the time.

Alicia (One Grauer) tries to calm our hero but nothing can settle him down when he goes full horse face, and the dent has shifted from right to left.  I don’t know if that is good or bad.

Castillo shows up at the end fresh from the makeup chair and the lunchtime ketchup fight.

Cool guys don’t look at explosions.  But they do run away with perma-horse face.

Rudy is on his knees begging to be put out of his misery from his headless angel.  He had to drop his rage for him to consider it though.  It’s only polite, manners are important in murder.

Is this Adam Harrington from L.A. Noire?  So we have a movie based on a video game that ends with a guy that has a major supporting role in a video game.  I just went full circle on your asses.

I hope you enjoyed the first annual Toilet Boll.  As long as Uwe keeps making them I will have a new one every year.  Checking GrillWilson can be part of your pre-Superbowl ritual.  When you get a chance, read some of the cast’s IMDb pages, Boll keeps using the same people.  So that means we might see a few of these winners in Toilet Boll 2014.

Till next time,

– Nick