Happy Malentine’s Day 2014!

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Welcome back, sports fans – it’s that time of year again. So sit back and relax, let’s get down to it. It’s gonna be a helluva fight. You got a great night of grillin’ tonight!

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Let’s see, first you’re going to want to hit play on this:

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Because Friday night’s a great night for football! And you know everybody needs full body contact once in a while! Wow, thanks for getting this post started, Bill Medley, with your dulcet tones AND your dulcet grills. And in case you haven’t figured it out yet, welcome to The Last Boy Scout, or as I would have titled this post (were it not Malentine’s Day), The Last Grill Scout.

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Let’s meet Joe Hallenbeck. This guy has one thing on his mind:

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Smoke.

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And lots of it.

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Oh yeah, and beer.

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Ah, the first of many goons to appear in this film. This is just one of Jimmy Dix’s teammates. Who is Jimmy Dix, you ask? We’ll meet him later.

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First let’s enjoy the goomba-rage.

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Goomba-joy.

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Ok, that’s enough.

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Oh here’s Jimmy Dix, played by the high pitched voiced Damon Wayans.

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Ouch.

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Old Satan Claus, Jimmy, he’s out there. And he’s only gettin’ stronger. So be prepared, son. That’s my motto. Be prepared.

– Joe Hallenbeck.

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Speaking of Joe, here he is again, sporting a greasy white T.

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“You know what I could go for right now?”

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That’s right, a cigarette. Joe goes through at least a pack or two per scene.

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Don’t miss Tom John’s tow truck back there.

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“This area is too out-doorsy for me, I need something with more smoke.”

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“That’s better iyiyiyiyiyiyiy.”
Also, this is the only image I captured with Halle Berry in it, sorry. Or should I say, you’re welcome?

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“Still not quite smokey enough for me.”

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Eddie Griffin, ladies and gentlemen.

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Cameo grillin’.

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Unable to literally inhale all the smoke in the room, Willis searches for alternatives.

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“This’ll have to do.”

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“Smoking’s BAD for me?!”

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“Yeah man, it will make you look like that guy on the billboard,” he chirped.

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“…”

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“Alright, I’ll quit.”

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Darn, right when he decides to quit, our boy Hallenbeck is about to get a bullet in his head.

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Are those… horse teeth?

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Yes, they are!!!

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Bring in the goons, and get ready for a guns-held-close-to-face rampage.

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Wow, can you get that thing any closer to your ugly mug? Thanks!

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“I’d best reload!”

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“No, you’d best hold that piece closer to your face!”

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“I’d best hide in the car,” squealed Jimmy.

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The police chief, taking a deep whiff.

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“You know what I learned, Jimmy? It’s guns that kill people, not delicious cigarettes.”

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“Boy am I getting thirsty for some beer.”

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“Heh heh. Look at him suckin’ down those Virginia Slims.”

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“Don’t mind if I do.”

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Remember when I said earlier that I had only captured one image of Halle Berry?

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I lied. Here she is with Boss Hogg, I think.

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“Ah, Jimmy, I couldn’t find any beer. I’ll just slake my thirst with this Pall Mall I found on the ground over here.”

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“Yeah it’s kind of dirty, but chances are I’m the one who left it there, so…”

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“MmmHm.”

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“Pucker up, Jimmy. I think I hear some more goons headed this way.”

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“You got a problem with my wig?”

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“Myeah, see? I’m the brains a’ this operation, see?”

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“No kiddin’. You guys mind if I smoke? I haven’t had one for the past few grills.”

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Damon’s Prince impression.

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Welcome to Joe’s house. Wait, what’s his foul-mouthed daughter watching on TV? Why, it’s Lethal Weapon, of course!

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At first I thought this image was photoshopped, but as we’ll see later on, I’m not so sure that’s the case.

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Willis is actually not out of focus in this shot, there’s just so much smoke, it creates a depth of field illusion.

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“Jimmy, the goons are back!”

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Jimmy, getting swarmed by the goons.

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“Hi, hiya doin’.”

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Notice Jimmy’s ’13’ shaped hair.

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“‘Scuse me boys, but I don’t have time for this.”

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The police chief’s second in command. His number two, if you will.

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Say hello to the main bad guy, Taylor Negron!

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I grilled a dog!

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See! It’s not photoshop! It’s the real Jimmy Carter! Or… some guy that looks a lot like him.

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“Eat lead, Carter. And don’t miss my sweet grill.”

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“NO! Don’t look at it!”

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Hard cheesin’.

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“How’s it hangin’?”

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“Haw haw haw.”

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“Tee hee.”

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“HA HA!”

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“Wh- why isn’t he laughing?”

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“Oh man, Joe’s outta cigarettes! Get me some Winstons over here, ASAP!”

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“That ain’t my brand…”

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“Newports? Uh… yeah, that’s fine, I’ll do it.”

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This is that guy from the billboard.

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Expect more from this dude.

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Damon, you’re future’s so bright! (By the way, every single time I’ve typed Damon’s name, I started out typing Marlon first.)

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“Shhhhhhhhhh!”

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Say it, don’t spray it, Taylor.

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Joe’s going into withdrawl.

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Some decent goon grills in the background.

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“So what does he smoke, Camels?”

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“Hahaha Camels, yeah right!”

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“No way, his favorite brand has got to be Kool. I mean, Kools are the koolest.”

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I grilled a puppet!

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Remember, henchmen: keep your enemies close, and keep your guns closer to your faces.

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John Mc- I mean Joe is about to do some stunt driving for us.

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With the exception of this scene, where a dummy will be filling in behind the wheel.

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It’s tough to see, it’s more obvious when the scene is in motion. But there are two dummies in there, one for Bruce Willis and one for Damon Wayans.

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Here’s a little Bruce Willis Face driving sequence.

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Clearly, that automobile does not have power steering.

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Has he been wearing that same greasy white T throughout the whole movie?

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“Smells like it.”

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“A real man holds his gun like this- Away from the face, close to the chest! That’s the best way to put a slug in their vest!”

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Here it is again, from a different angle. Goons, take note.

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Awkward product placement. And right in front of the women’s crapper too.

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Man, the light is hitting him just wrong.

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It’s like he has no upper lip.

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“It’s incredible… it’s glorious!” They used billboard guy’s choppers to reflect all that light onto Willis’ bedazzled face.

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“Right back atcha!”

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I’m not the only one who’s got this guy’s grill in my sights.

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You probably want to hear that Bill Medley song again, so I’ll just drop it in here so you don’t have to scroll up.

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Oh my, Taylor, is that really you?

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Holy crap, Taylor! You’re hideous! That’s terrifying! I’ll never sleep again!

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It’s all led up to this, boys. The climax of this grill post. I don’t know what else I can say about it. Just middle-click it (so you don’t lose Bill Medley’s… medley) and bask in the glory.

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And this is the denouement. Let’s ease our way back down to the end.

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Wow, ok. So what can the kids take away from this one, Joe? What’s the moral of the story? Friday night’s a great night for football?

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“Nah, that’s too damn obvious. Kids, the moral of this story is- Smoke ‘em if you got ‘em.”

And how. Well, see you next year, and may all your Malentine’s Day wishes come true!

-christoph

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