Toilet Boll 2014

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Another Superbowl is upon us so you know what that means, I get to sink my teeth into another work of art by the Plopping Pugilist, Uwe “Toilet” Boll.  After the overall crap fest that is House Of The Dead, I wanted to watch something with at least some actors in it.  This year we will be checking out “In The Name Of The King: A Dungeon Siege Tale”.  Welcome to Toilet Boll 2014!!!

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Seriously…this is how this starts?  Poor Muriella (Leelee Sobieski), she is forced to suck face with Gallian (Ray Liotta).  Not like he is in his mid 50’s at this point or anything.  If Ray paid Boll for this scene does that make Boll a…I can’t even type it.

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That is never a good sign.  At least now he can pop a Viagra before she wakes up.

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Yeah that’s it Gallian, burn a hole in her skull with your hard stare, that’s not creepy.

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Fooled you!  She was awake the whole time.  Quick poll, Gallian’s nose or chin, which juts out further?  Place your votes in the comments below.

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This is Zeph (Colin Ford).  Not a fan of the “my teeth will fall out any second” smile but he seems to be enjoying the sight of something.

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Holy shit it’s Norick (Ron Pearlman)!  With that perfectly quaffed hair and a look that says “I came to party”, I can only assume he is going to be a grill gold mine.

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He knows where his bread is buttered.  Work those brows Hellboy.

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Farmer (Jason Statham) is not impressed.  You can tell by how perfectly aligned his face his.  Especially when compared to the overall fluffiness of his present company.

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Norick has a face made for grills.  If he keeps straight cheesin’ his eyes might go even further into his head.

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Really?  King Konreid (Burt Fucking Reynolds) comes to us directly from the spray tan booth, or he has jaundice.  The pure white locks only accentuate his hot dog complexion.

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Stay classy Duke Fallows (Matthew Lillard).  Nothing like talking with a mouth full of food and waving your turkey leg around like a your conducting the Projectile Dinner orchestra.

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Meanwhile back at Farmer’s farm.  Solana (Claire Forlani) tries to stop his advances with some weird version of a mouth breathing duck face.  Her eyes are fixed on his, is there some form of mallard hypnotism I don’t know about?

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Looks like Konreid decides to go out on the town with his Face Lift helmet.  Anything to take the years off.  Hey look, his skin is back to normal.

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For you Grill historians out there, this guy might look familiar.  Don’t let the day 6 Amish beard fool you, that is Bastian (Will Sanderson).  He had a major roll in Toilet Boll 2013.  In this one you aren’t the weirdest looking person in the group, congrats!

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That award goes to this man. He wears it like a badge of honor across his leather grimace.

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Norick oozes animal magnetism, Bastian can’t help but cry as he thrusts his body onto him in a reverse man embrace.

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Norick is a wash of distress and concern, Bastian is just pure serenity…I miss you FireFly.

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Oh Toilet, always teaching us lessons.  Don’t become slaves to your urges kids, or you fall 200 feet into a river, I’m assuming metaphorically.

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Who is that guy back there having the time of his life?  I’ll be jiggered, that’s Fallow again, he is having way more fun than she is.

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“I wasn’t doing anything wrong”.  Something about biting your finger like a 12 year old, with a man beard, and ears like you belong in Rivendell is very unsettling.

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King Konreid is losing his trademark cool.  I blame his fluctuating pigmentation.

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Fallow has the rage worries.  You don’t want to be on Konreid’s bad side on a Yellow day.

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Commander Tarish (Brian White) is sporting some crazy eyes here.  He seems to approve of whatever Konreid is asking him to do.  Do yourself a favor and DON’T try to find Fallow’s nipple.

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Some how Fallow is only able to furrow his brow to his right.  Do those moles add that much weight that it shifts the gravity of his face?

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What’s with the Liberace head fat look?

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The next day, Fallow tries to make amends by toasting his Uncle Konreid.  He also tries to pre-backwash into his own wine.  Aim a little higher next time.

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Oh good, it’s a normal face day for Konreid…or it is?  I don’t know about you but I prefer the Bruce Campbell chin version.

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Every time I look at this I think they were all on a different page of the script.  But then I get lost in Konreid’s grizzled Gumby chin and all is well.  Yes those are ninjas in the background because why not?

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I hope you have enough gum to share with the rest of the class.  It looks like it’s probably sour, no one can make that face on purpose.

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Oh yeah, it definitely is.  Look how red it made Fallow’s neck, it might be lodged in there.  What are you doing Gallian?  Go get help!

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Welcome to the party Merick (John Rhys-Davies).  For his grill debut he and Konreid decide to have a Deniro impression off.  Merick might have an advantage with his crazed strands.  Konreid does have the “I’m out of shits to give” look going.  Seriously what is he staring at?

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Hey look whose back, and as syrupy as ever.  Going with the shotgun approach for your pre-backwash I see.

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I hope that wasn’t an accident.  He is looking to see if anyone noticed him practice his special attack.

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Talk about a super eyebrow.

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Wow Konreid looks to be in the beginnings of his yellow phase.  Watch out Merick.

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Time to rally the troops behind my perfectly pruned beard.

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That awkward moment when realize your leader is starting to use the shotgun spray attack as well.  So you look around hoping you aren’t the only one who noticed.

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Oh good.

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Konreid thought the attempt was funny.  I’m surprised he can smile with his facelift helmet on.  Tarish seems to regret practicing in public.

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Let’s play “Find Farmer in the see of extreme emotion”  Also I think that guy on the bottom right might have wandered on set from an old west movie.

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I’ve been avoiding showing these sludge monsters but I can’t help myself any longer.  I’m not sure if they are better than House Of The Dead, but why the hell do they need to set their own guy on fire and hurl him through the air like a flaming mud pie?

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Even Solana is shocked by that decision, and she is miles away.  No wait, she just saw that guy’s homemade eye patch, fun!

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Fallow and Tarish finally have it out.  Tarish is done with Fallow’s nonsense and Fallow can’t stand how Tarish won’t share his beard trimmer.

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Time for a close up of that face mane in all it’s glory

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Uh oh, Fallow is getting those crazy eyes.  They’ve both been practicing shotgun style, and they are in point black range.  Who will pull the trigger first.

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Halftime. I love how all of the extras don’t care. Some are laying down, the guy behind Fallow’s right is resting his head on his fist, and the dude over his left shoulder isn’t even watching.  Boll knows how to get the most out of his actors, even the most miniscule ones.

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Uh oh, those crazy eyes again and shit stained mouth can only mean one thing, he is loading up for his finishing move.

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Tarish is standing his ground.  If they both fire at the same time all those extras full of general malaise won’t have anywhere to run.

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Merick calls an end to the battle with his own shotgun blast.  When Gimli joins the spray party, its over.  (This is one of the juiciest movies I’ve ever watched).

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You’re doing it wrong!

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After his recent triumph, Merick is trying his luck with a hard scorn.  What or WHO is he looking at with those giant bags under his eyes?

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Time for another epic battle.  Merick’s pure disgust vs. Gallian’s freshly swollen face.

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…that was disappointing.  At least we get a good fair well grill by Merick.  That is extreme emotion if I ever saw it.  The unadulterated force of it even causes one of his eyes to shut I can only assume permanently.  Way to sacrifice for your work.

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Where the hell did his lips go?  They are hidden behind his shit-eating gin.

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I just noticed that he has been wearing leather pants this whole time.  It took the irrelevant Jesus float for me to see that.  I think he does this 4 times.

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Hey welcome back Farmer.  You are the star of this movie right?  Will you give us a grill?  At least one?

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If you won’t, how about some obvious stunt men for your face.  Dude is clearly Asian, in heritage and jumping style.

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There we go.  About time!  Farmer’s scowl is brought to you by the realization that he is wearing the wrong boots for this event, how embarrassing.

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Who decided that this was a good idea?  The angle, the sword placement, and the clear view of Gallian’s neck.  No one wants to see any of this.

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Obviously perturbed by that shot choice, he goes in full rampage mode.  This is a more aggressive Jesus pose, but this time his head is bleeding for a little more historical accuracy.  He is the only person in the movie who’s wardrobe can still be bought at Kohl’s.

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In a last ditch effort, Gallian decides to hurl some pretty purple light at Farmer.  Just imagine his cheeks flopping up and down as if he was trying to eat a spinning fan.

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We have come to the end, and Toilet Boll sums this up by sneaking in a message for the ages.  “Read and learn as much as you can while you can, or random actors will sling books at you with their flaccid faces”.  Statham is learning this the hard way.  That is the grill of a man who regrets some decisions in his life, we all know one of them started a few weeks prior to this shot.

Until next year,

Nick

1 Comment »

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  1. Oh boy, what a treat! And what a cast! Pearlman and Lillard are putting in so much work, and Liotta’s head fat is a choice bonus. I was hoping for a little more Statham, but I’m assuming he’s tough to grill. He only really has one expression, I suppose. I think it’s called, “I’m constipated and I hate you”. Something like that.

    Thanks for polishing this turd, Nick, I don’t know how you do it. I can’t wait to see what Toilet flushes down for us next year.

    Comment by christoph — 2014.02.05 #

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