Fast Five – Part One: Saying goodbye is the hardest part.

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Vin Diesel’s facial expression kind of says it all. This post was meant to go up almost a year ago, but alas, life got in the way. The Grill Wilson family grew by two this past year. If the Fast series has taught us anything, its that the most important thing is family, whether it be immediate or surrogate. So you can imagine me, basking in the glow of my two month old daughter, and me, knowing full well that a baby girl was on the way, and hearing the awful news. I didn’t want to believe it then, and I still don’t want to. Nobody does. We lost what felt like a member of our family on November 30th. Writing this post is awfully bittersweet to me. I wanted to see Dom and Brian grow old together. I’ll have to settle for remembering the good times. The blow is lessened by knowing that Paul Walker will live forever in his work, and that Brian O’Connor will carry on, to shepherd his son Jack into manhood. I know that he will do the best he can, because family comes first.

Grill Wilson has never been a serious site, it pokes fun in a generally playful manner. Please know that the entire previous paragraph was completely sincere. With that said, I present our grand vision for the grill saga of Fast Five. Even before the movie released, it was all set in stone. Five parts, five writers, it couldn’t be done any other way. Some tweaks to that formula had to be made, because babies don’t take care of themselves. So I, Boris, will co-write Part One with Matt, Oh Hi! I’ll be ghostwriting in gray, then with parts by the rest of the team until the entire movie is fully grilled to perfection.

It’s taken a long time to come to fruition, and none of us expected to lose Paul along the way. Think of this as a tribute to his steady and reliable work, which we have all been appreciating for years.  Now that I’ve made it through the hard part, let’s enjoy basking in the afterglow, together.

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Fast Five picks up right where we left off previously. Brian, unwilling to let his family be torn apart, seeks to right a wrong. Do you know what time it is, kid?
Unfortunately, Brian can’t seem to find either of his mirrors for a more compelling metaphor about looking into his past. Perhaps that sidelong glance is really a longing daydream for the simpler days on the streets of Miami with Tyrese?

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Yo, WAKE UP DOG!

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It’s time for a report from the scene of Dominic’s exfiltration by visiting reporter Perd Hapley (Jay Jackson), all the way from Pawnee, Indiana.
“What we’re looking at here is a bus crash, no matter which way you slice it.”

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Remembering that Perd is a terrible newsman, the station sent in a proper reporter to tell us that during the bus crash, Dominic Toretto went “missing”.
You can tell she’s a better reporter just by her hand gestures. Only one missing Fugitive. Also, is that a novelty sized microphone?

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This just in: Brian did not do a great job covering his tracks apparently.
This must be one hell of a good news team. I mean, they have footage from the MOVIE – still in progress – showing on their displays in the background.
Guys, what are you doing? Toretto is in your mainframe!

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Asian reporter Tricia Takanawa is shocked by Toretto’s unapologetic mugshot, and double chin.
Dom still ain’t impressed.

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Wow, another terrible news person with their mouth agape. Do us all a favor and at least try to be professional, mmmkay?
Dom especially hates it when you free-transform his mugshots and add scan-lines on a digital broadcast feed.

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Meanwhile, Brian is jamming out to the latest joint from Pitbull, which confirms that Mia is allergic to music by guys that where black suits with red jackets and also wear shades indoors.
“Christ, Brian, why did you have to pick a slammed vintage Skyline to drive undercover through the FAVELA!?”

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“Nah, it’s cool. No one will suspect a thing.”

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Instead of you know, picking up Dom following the bus crash, the gang decides to reconvene in BRAZIL thousands of miles away.
“They totally saw us coming.”

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But they couldn’t meet at the Hilton San Paulo, nah, they’re deep in the shit, also known as the favelas. Don’t Miss 75% Latin Freddie Mercury at the edge of frame.
These guys are posting up so hard I’m pretty sure 75% kiss face has developed hemorrhoids just from the expression.

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“When I’m not standing around holding machine guns and looking perfectly chiseled, I model euro style underwear. Mostly catalog work.” Oh shit! Is that Vince?
I’m pretty sure this guy was supposed to be an extra in PLATOON, not a favela thug.

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It is Vince (Matt Schulze), long time no see playboy. He begins by immediately creepin’ on Mia. While Brazilian Zoolander holds his pose like the statue he is.
“Yeah, I see you Brian. I know how to press all your buttons brother.”

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“Sorry Vince, you snooze you lose. I’m with Brian.”
Nice Wolfenstein tattoo, Vince.

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#selfsatisfaction ( Make sure to check out twin brother long faces in the back)
#haHA! #tyrese #twinbrospursedlips

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Her maternal instincts already kicking in, Mia wants to take Vince’s son who looks nothing like him along on the adventure.
Vince Jr. really takes after his dad…

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Expertly reading the body language, Vince’s old lady solves the puzzle of Mia’s sudden interest in babies. Does he know though?
Girl, what has he done for you LATELY?

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He does now. What is Brian going to do?
I…is, wait…can I name him Paul?

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He’s looking at this beer like it’s from another planet since it isn’t a Corona Extra ®.
In that state of mind, Brian starts to question everything he considers known and good. “Why call it this beer and soda soda? Why did they shape the bottle like this? Why is the glass brown? Brown isn’t a good flavor. Well, OK, chocolate. But what’s with this label? Do the put them all on by hand? Do they pay that person well?…”
And with that, he shares with us The deepest stare into a beer label ever recorded on film.

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Ah what the hell, Brian thinks as he gets more familiar with the mouth of that bottle.
Looks like he’s gesture drinking, pouring it out over his shoulder.

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Impending fatherhood is still clearly on Brian’s mind, but these cars ain’t gonna steal themselves.
Have I shown you my my eyes?

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Mia saw fit to give us a surprise/”Bitch don’t bump into me, I’m pregnant” grill.
Brian, cool and collected, is ready to follow up and sweep the leg.

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“Line? Line? Anybody? Aw, fuck it.”
So craft services DID bring the Tuna today? No, the tuna. Tuna on wheat? You’ve got one for me right? Yeah? Alright!

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Here to save the day, all the way from the land of green screen is Dom, Vince, and two red shirts. I don’t know about y’all, but I feel a song coming on…
In filming “The Second Coming” scene, it took them hours to get the correct exposure for this shot, bouncing light directly off of Dominic’s cranium.

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Looks like we’ve made it
Look how far we’ve come my baby
We mighta took the long way
We knew we’d get there someday

Now once I was down hearted
Disappointment was my closest friend
But then you came and it soon departed
And you know he never
Showed his face again

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They said, “I bet they’ll never make it”
But just look at us holding on

That’s why
You know your love (your love keeps lifting me)
Keep on lifting (love keeps lifting me)
Higher (lifting me)
Higher and higher (higher)

Close-up: Dominic, entering full-frame like a Great White during Shark Week.

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We’re still together still going strong

I said your love (your love keeps lifting me)
Keep on (love keeps lifting me)

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You’re still the one I run to
The one that I belong to
You’re still the one I want for life

Keep on (love keeps lifting me)
Lifting me (lifting me)
Higher and higher (higher)

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Okay enough Shania Twain, by now you get the point. After three movies together and that last exchange it should be clear by now. Sure, they love Mia and Letty, but Dom and Brian are soul mates. Through and through.
Okay, enough Jackie Wilson. This double profile is too much.

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Yo hombre, you got a lot of fucking nerve to interrupt that moment. That’s a little above your pay grade don’t you think?
“WHO? Who doesn’t want to wear the Ribbon!?”

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“Yo, no improv during my scenes. You know that line wasn’t in the script right?”
Vin plays moderator by holding back this pip-squeak back from himself.

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“Who told you you could look me in the eyes?”
Ay Dios mío! Que es un gran tiburón blanco!

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#nohedidnt
Is he REALLY rocking the same sleeveless look? Come on DOG.

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Red shirt realizes in this moment that he’s about to be thrown from this train.
Dom’s internal dialogue: “Yo dog, did you just piss your pants?”
Thug’s internal dialogue: “Is he wearing CK Obsession?”

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And pulls out the gun that he had on the inside pocket he had sewn in himself using the material from his now absent sleeves. Say what you will about his ethics, but he is an environmentally conscious thief.
Vaguely looking like Robert “R”, aka Kells, aka “I ain’t comfortable with all this transgender shit” Kelly, our half-baked villian ain’t got time to fight like a man. Straight to the baby glock.

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“GET THAT SHIT OUTTA HERE!!!!”
Dom unleashes full SHARK WEEK on his ass. Great White son!

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Man oh man do I love me some obvious stunt doubles, and this one takes the goddamn cake. Let me rundown what’s wrong with this. First of all, this guy is getting tossed on to a gym mat like three feet away. Are you telling me that Michael Irby (the non stunt double) couldn’t do that shit himself? Nobody would know you’re name if I didn’t just type it. Second of all, this obviously white stunt double looks more like Matthew Lillard than the guy he is supposed to look like. Lastly, are you telling me they couldn’t grease paint his forehead to soften that giant widow’s peak this cat is sportin’?
I think Mos Def most eloquently summed up this part of the scene in his song “GOT” from the 1999 masterpiece “Black on Both Sides”

…but five of them and one of you equal GOT to me.
Don’t get me! (Please!)
Don’t get me! (Ohhh!)
Don’t get-ge-ge-ge-ge-get me!

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This guy looks like he’d be more at home on The Land of the Lost than on this heist job.
The way this guy was fiendin’ over that GT40 makes me wonder if Daddy never got him that Hot Wheels model he wanted.
I NEEED that GT40!!!

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“Wait I want to be on Land of the Lost too!!!” Paul said before realizing he just isn’t Cro-Mag enough.
“Wait, what the *#&$ did you just say about Mia?” C:\>protective_male_mode_.bat -fury

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Brian is not thrilled with the prospect of this guy that just ate an entire lemon going after Mia.
“Yo, lemme help you rinse that lemon out ya mouth dog”

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Just as Brian is about to bitch-slap Límon….
You mean Brian is about to merge with him. I wonder if Dom is Brian’s Bran in this scene, and he’s going full HODOR on poor Lemoné?

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Dom reminds him that he needs to jump out of the train and follow the unnamed Vatos that are going after Mia.
“HODO~BRIAN! Go get Mia!”

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Only one thing left to do.
“BRIAN! BRIAN!!!!”

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Cue the stunt double. This guy looks almost like Paul Walker, although it could be some kind of CG head replacement at work. Either way something is a little off.
I’ll tell you what’s off. He’s got Paul Walker’s upper body, and some poor craft services kid’s legs.

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There are those baby blues. No doubt about it. Hang on tight Bri.
Someone should slap a WRANGLER JEANS logo on this frame.

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Print it!

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Not content to simply be dangling from a tow truck going over rough Brazilian terrain, Brian saw fit to do some one armed push-ups.
Is he holding the rope, or is the rope holding him? Is he taming a lion off-scene? Is this green screen test footage from a SpaceX flight? So many questions…

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“I immediately regret that decision.” Brian thought as he shored up his grip on that rope.

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YEE-HAW!!!

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Check out the love child of Nic Cage and Rob Schneider over here. Maybe a little Travolta in there too.

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Dom is not a fan of unwanted sexual advances. Especially when said advancer is wearing a makeshift scarf made of left over t-shirt sleeves.
“It’s an ASCOT, OK? Not a scarf, not a STOLE, not a MUFFLER. A-S-C-O-T.”

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Diesel is unleashing that Hulk rage right now. What’s he going to do once he inevitably breaks free?
Once again, SHARK WEEK level rage.

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Why throw the most compact punch in history, of course.
Straight up speed baggin’ it.

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This guy is really into Dom, and looks like he wants the beating.
I love you MAN!

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“You know what, I’m just yah-mo gonna throw you off the train instead.”
Dom, wait! You just don’t have that kind of reach man! Like the T-Rex in his prime, even all your rage can’t toss a man!

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Meanwhile, face contortionist extraordinaire is about to meet the wrong end of a blow torch.
CALIENTE!!!

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Bye going full caveman, Brain was able to gain the upper hand, while making his upper lip disappear.
Again, stunt double with the head CG’ed on. Those are the craft service guys malnourished hands and forearms.

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I wonder if Brian is okay out there?
What’s this white boy doing now…

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“I’m good Brah!!!!” Brian yelled while casually dangling from a moving vehicle going over rough terrain.
Damn, Brian! That’s a pretty good Air Jordan considering the circumstances.

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While looking out the man-made hole in the side of the train, Dominic notices that if he doesn’t think Fast, the tow-truck that Brian is dangling from will most certainly drive off of a cliff Thelma & Louise style.
“O’Conner, you son of a gun!” <cue family sitcom uplifting plot climax  music>

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#onlyonethingtodo
#becomeTheCorvette #YOLO

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Drive this here 1966 Corvette Grand Sport out of a moving train. I can’t tell what kind of effect they’re using to put Vin inside that car, but it looks to me like the stunt double is wearing a custom molded Vin Diesel mask.
Dom Brandon Starked himself into the Corvette, engine and his helpless corpse is flailing around the driver’s seat. This way Dom’s body actually absorbs all the impact of this crash and the car comes out unscathed.

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“I’m comin’ for ya Brian!!! You’re all I’ve gahttttt!!!”
In Fast 6 logic, the fastest way from Point A to Point B is DRIFT.

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“It’s good to see you Dom.”
He can’t hear you Brian, he has become the car. Talk to the car. Jump into the car. Jump into DOM.

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“It’s not that far right?”
Dom going full Thenn.

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“Right???”
Oh, you should have just told me you got took out. I’m all over that!

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With nothing left to lose, and nothing else to be done, Brian does his best Spider-Man pose as he launches himself towards Dom’s rescue vehicle.
He does look like he’s about to sling some web at that roll cage.

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I can’t tell for sure, but it totally looks like you can see the wire tethered to Paul’s stunt double. I mean even if it’s just a wire inside the train, how hard would it have been to paint it out for 30 frames? C’mon guys, I work harder making some of these damn animated gifs.
Looks like Dom shrunk a bit for this shot. With that chrome dome, I can’t think of a more fitting ride. Shame they’re about to lose it…

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The gravity of the situation is just hitting Dom, I don’t think he has fully thought this through. Also shouldn’t Brian be holding that bar with opposite hand grips? If this weren’t a movie, he would clearly lose his grip like almost immediately after going off the cliff.
It just hit me that Dom and Brian are like Homer and Ned Flanders. They’re about to jump Springfield Gorge…

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No turning back now boys.
At this point, does going faster make the situation better or worse?

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“I’ve made a huge mistake.”
“Dude, we’re gonna make it!”

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“If we time it just right, the impact from the water won’t be deadly.”
I’m guessing they would use this same logic to survive in an elevator free-fall situation. What are you teaching our kids, GUYS?!

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Luckily for us this is Hollywood, and we are rewarded by seeing these two emerge from the water like confused Carps.
SHARK WEEK!

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Paul really brought his A-game to this one. Thank you. From all of us, baby.
Seriously. Straight up “Second Coming of Paul” in this one. For the history books.

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After surviving a fall that should have killed our two heroes, they get picked up by the villain of the movie.
And here we don’t even have time to reflect how we just survived that 500+ foot drop to certain death.

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Latin Steve Guttenberg (Joaquim de Almeida) apparently wants the GPS unit from the GT40 that Mia drove off in.
Curse you, Braga!

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Despite being hung from their wrists, Dom and Brian escape in a scene that occurs offscreen. Who unties them? It’s not explained.
They untie themselves out of sheer willpower. Also, it was Brian’s craft services stunt double in the scene, so those baby hands slid right out.

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Well it certainly wasn’t Agent Hobbs (Dwayne Johnson), who is hunting the old gang across international borders.
Hobbs is looking straight up Pharaoic here. Agent RAMSES Hobbs.

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If my post that will occur later is any indication, we will be seeing a veritable mountain of grills from Hobbs. He’s got that MVG (Most Valuable Grill) title in his sights.
Straight up painted that UnderArmor shirt on him. That, or the prop stylist hemmed in all the seams so his arms look like a pack of sausages.

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Our heroes eventually meet up. Only one person could bring that look out of Brian.
Tyrese?

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Despite being on the same team now, the beef between these two goes way back to 2001.
I didn’t Narc NOBODY!

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It could only have been Vince. Brian is still upset at the name he called him when Vince suggested he get his eats on at an establishment called Fat Burger. Apparently, you can get yourself a cheese and fries for 2.95.
“Hey… hey Dom… heh, why is the BUSTER back?”

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Bringing up the past really riles up Vince, who is about to go full-Spartan on Brian.
Dom looking awfully Fatherly in this shot. In the name of the father, the son, and the holy SHIT VINCE!

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Even Dom is slightly rattled by all this animosity.
“This… Is… SPARTAAAAA!”

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Just as we’re having flashbacks to Brian and Vince’s first meeting in the original movie…
Nah, this looks like a slap fight.

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Dom snaps out of it and yokes up Vince by his neck fat.
Dom’s fat neck snaps up and yokes Vince out of it.

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“You embarrass me!!!”
“MMMM-BAHHRASSSS-MIIIII”

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Luckily for us, cooler heads have indeed prevailed.
“He’s SENSITIVE, Brian.”

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What hijinks will our heroes get into in Part Two???? What is the meaning of Vince’s tribal tattoo? .Only Chris knows.

Love,

Boris & Baumer

P.S. I’m SARRRRY

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