Fast Five – Part Three: Damn Bro…


Part 3 greets us with a solitary unnamed henchman, let’s call him Burro Lips (Louis Gonzaga).  He looks so lonely in this world of perfectly evenly spaced furniture, I sure hope a friend comes by to say hi.

Seems like you’re looking a little lonely there too, Nick- so your old pal christoph is stopping by to keep the tradition going and guest-write along with you.


Whew, Hernan Reyes (Joaquim de Almeida) aka Latin Steve Guttenberg, aka Esteban Guttenberg, aka Latin Steven Seagal, aka El Guapo Trump is there.


Why is Burro Lips wearing an arrow head?  Is he part Native American?  I hope it’s pure sexiness doesn’t make El Guapo Trump jealous.

El Guapo Trump’s merlot colored tie should be  enough to secure his own sexiness.


OH NO!!!!!!  Nothing good can come from that rage face, I can’t watch.  Bye Burro Lips.

I stand corrected.


The combo grills of Tego Leo (Tego Calderon) Rico Santos (Don Omar) can cure all woes.  These two are joined at the hip and judging by their vacant lifeless stare, they wouldn’t have it any other way.


Speaking of a stare, hi Brian O’Conner (Paul Walker).  ’He must be looking at something very interesting.  I don’t know what is more important than those ghosts behind him!

I don’t think that’s actually a ghost. It looks more like just another cardboard cutout of Ted Danson.


Why doesn’t Dominic Toretto (Vin Diesel) warn him of the eminent danger he’s in?  I know, the stubble that O’Conner sports says that he ain’t afraid of no ghosts.


After Brian’s brush with the other side, he joins the rest of the group on the roof for some solo dancing…or thrusting…you know whatever.   Just watch out for Torretto’s guns, they’ll get ya.

O’Connor’s digging through his pockets, frantically searching for his ticket to the gun show.


Like I said, joined at the hip.  They are even making the same face in this shot.  Don’t worry, Gisele (Gal Gadot) is there to break up the monotony/sausage fest.  It’s not working, I can’t stop looking at Tego’s hair.

Looks like Gisele can’t stop looking at it either. She’s staring deep into Tego’s hair’s soul.


Toretto and Han Seoul-Oh (THANKS CHRIS) (Sung Kang) contemplate their next move.  While Roman Pearce (Tyrese Gibson) feels left out so he decides to show Dom his pearly whites.

I think this is a sign that Roman is starting to get hungry.


Here is a squinty eyed close up incase you’re wondering what Torretto’s ear sees.

“Yo lemme get a burger, dawg.” is what Toretto’s ear hears.


“Have you seen my eyes?”


“Why yes, yes I have.  Have you seen the vein on the side of my head?”


There’s really nothing here, I just wanted a frame with Luke Hobbs’s (Dwayne Johnson) beard for Google image search.   Oh and these other two are Macroy (Geoff Meed) Elena Neves (Elsa Patakay), I got nothing.  Chris?

Macroy is actually hacking the grillwilson database for the Fast and Furious crew’s criminal grill records.


Even from a distance you can see Roman’s chompers.  If these two were a celebrity couple they would be called RoGis.  Of course we know Roman’s heart belongs to one person.

It’s hard to tell, but I think Macroy is grinning right back at Roman’s cheesin’ smile.


I can’t see you over the sound of Tej Parker (Chris “Ludacris” Bridges) giant fro.  I swear it’s spilling over onto Roman’s picture.  Let’s call these two RoT

“A-B-C. A: Always, B: Be, C: Cheezin’. Always be cheezin’. ALWAYS BE CHEEZIN’.”


Rounding out the couple nicknames, I give you DoHan SeoulEtto

Man, these aren’t mugshots- they’re glamor shots.


Something looks to be stuck in Reyes’s craw, or his face is melting to his right.

It’s one of Burro Lips’ finger bones.


This is part 3’s first glimpse of Zizi (Michael Irby)  and Chief Alemeida (Joseph Melendez).  Also we get to some random extra checking out Alemedia’s ass.  You’re supposed to look in a direction and let him pass you, amateur.

In that guy’s defense, he knows he’s just going to end up as cannon fodder later in the film, so he’s drinking it in every chance he can get.


I can taste the scowl on Almeida’s face after being visually assaulted.  If only we could get a better angle to view it in all it’s Robin Hood facial hair glory




Oh hi Mia Toretto (Jordana Brewster), I was wondering when you would show up.  Wow they really seem to be focused on something…or someone.


EVERYONE is going full hard stare right through Roman’s shiny brain casing.

Are they watching him eat something?


Shake your head all you want, you know you love the attention.

Yeah, I think he’s chewing on something. And Tej looks disgusted… Yeah Roman just scarfed something.


Upset that his teeth are no longer the focus, he shows his enamel waxing technique to a random officer.

“I want burgers all up in this area.”


Evidence Technician (Carlos “Dirty” Sanchez) doesn’t appreciate his recommendation.  You’ll see why I call him “Dirty” in a few frames.


Pleading with him to stay “Dirty” takes his leave.  If only he would listen.

“Hey- wait! Fat Burger! Please! Bring me SOMEthing!”


Sensing the mood being somber, Roman tries to bring a little joy into Brian’s life.

“Hey Brian,”


O’Conner’s dead face shuts him down, so he tries his luck with Tej (off screen).

“Remember that time in 2 Fast 2 Furious when I ate the burger?”


Eventually he wears Brian down causing him to laugh in joyous bliss like a giddy school girl. Thank you for blurring Roman just enough so I don’t experience sensory overload.

“Hehehe, yeah, I’ll always remember that, Roman.”


How could we not have given these two a name yet?  Let’s go with…Trego Le Santos.


So this is where you went, nothing bad can happen in a bathroom.  You’re safe.  That might be the most overfilled trashcan with just paper towels in the history of film.

When you see a bathroom trashcan get that overfilled, you know cleaning that place is mad low on their list of priorities.


WTF!?!?!?!?  Someone is clearly in that middle stall, I hope they are ok.

There may in fact be someone on the end too…


You thought he was going to be filthy because of you know, being in the blast range of a doo doo bomb.  He’s Dirty Sanchez just like Little John is little.  That’s right, two Robin Hood references.

Now I’m no plumber, but I suspect that the doo doo bomb was unleashed by the guy in the far right stall, and the blast was so forceful it blew out all the other toilets.


These two have the look a kid gets when he stole the last cookie.

“It was us in the last stall!”


Now he has the look of someone who is smelling a shit bomb.


You should really keep your jaw closed in there.  Never go full mouth breather.

“What have we done?”


Brian and Dom venture out for some fun.  Dom decides this is the perfect time to inaccurately blow kisses.



They both find the humor in his lazy approach to smooch sniping.



Diogo (Luis Da Silva Jr.) comes at us talking out of only one side of his mouth.  But it’s all good because his mouth is saying what everyone is thinking.

“Mmyeah, see?”


Here he is trying to pull off his best Wimp Lo impersonation.

“My finger point, see?”


Twice in a row!


“Pffffff, you can’t out finger point me son”

You also can’t out-cutoff-T him.


Whenever he smiles it always looks like he’s just learning.  I’ve never seen someone’s mouth move up so much.  As long as he has the head veins in check we’re good.


Just when you thought his face couldn’t look more like a mouse.


Now it’s time for random driving gifs.  I was trying to gif O’Conner but dude is a rock  behind the wheel.  Just imagine this frame for about 15 seconds, with this soundtrack>

Who’s that lady
Coming down the road

Drive slow homey
Drive slow homey


Who’s that lady
Who’s that woman
Walking through my door
What’s the score

Ya never know homey, might meet some bros homey
Ya need to pump your breaks and drive slow homey


I’ll be the sun
Shining on you
Hey Cinderella
Step in your shoe

If you riding around the city with nowhere to go
Drive slow homey
Live today ’cause tomorrow man you never know


I’ll be your non-stop lover
Get it while you can
Your non-stop miracle
I’m your man

My cars like the movies, my cars like the crib
I got more TVs in here than where I live


Get outta my dreams
Get into my car
Get outta my dreams
Get in the back seat baby
Get into my car

My canaries is gleaming though my angel wings
They see me, bros acting like they seen a king


Beep beep, yeah
Get outta my mind
Get into my life Oooooooooh
Oh I said hey (Hey) you (You)
Get into my car

Drive slow homey
Drive slow homey
Ya never know homey, might meet some bros homey
Ya need to pump your brakes and drive slow homey
Drive slow homey

(the song ended here Chris, do what you will.  He crashed in that frame btw)


Thinking that Santos is just rocking out Brian gives us a triangle mouth laugh while Mia laughs or screams, I can’t tell.



The zombie faces here are amazing.  They are completely void of any thought or emotion.  The only sign of life is Tego’s hair’s attempt to stab Tej in the eye.


It’s like watching a turtle trying to spit while inside a lion’s mouth


Gisele is wondering what Han Seoul-Oh will say if she tells him she loves him.


Since Dominic was born before 1980 he knows the answer.  It’s all in the omnipotent side smirk.


Finally Giselle and Han get some a lone time.  They are all business here.  If they would stop and smell the mojito they would see Lisa Turtle (Lark Voorhees) to their left.  Missed opportunities.

Looks like Gisele is doing her best Mia face here.


El Guapo is having a good day.  See how he’s wearing sun glasses random extra from before?  That’s how it’s done.  That smirk is so creepy.

“Heh heh heh, tell me again about the toilets and the doo doo bombs.”


I hope you enjoyed part 3 as much as these two did.  I’m on pins and needles for part 4.  Will Gisele and Han fully realize their animal attraction?  Will “Dirty” always be forever unclean?  Will El Guapo Trump get his comeuppance for what he did to Burro Lips?  Don’t make us wait too long J-Bird.

Nick & Chris

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