Fast Five – Part Two: Wild deuces couldn’t drag them apart.

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Last time on Fast Five: The boys found themselves in a whole trainload of trouble! But with some quick thinking from Brian and Dom, they managed to escape by the skin of their teeth. Unfortunately for them, Latin Steve Guttenberg, aka Esteban Guttenberg, aka Latin Steven Seagal was one step ahead of them.

Turns out we liked the ghost writing idea so much, we done decided to bring it back for part two. This time it’s your old pal Boris, fresh off the meat racks that was part one.

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“First they wouldn’t let me take the GT40. Then El Tiburón Blanco threw me from the train. But I kept one of his teeth and put it on my necklace.”

Land of the Lost co-star Cha-Ka managed to master bilinguism, but has yet to master the art of pressing his white linen shirts.

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El Jefe pours drinks for his two top underlings.

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The pensive Guttengoons contemplate their good fortune…

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For that ain’t Hennessy, sons. No, that’s straight Corona Extra®.

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Meanwhile, back at HQ, Vince is getting worked over by Dom.

Vince is seen here sporting a look that can only be described as “50% Beard”.

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“How many times do I have to tell you?!”

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“YOU’RE EMBARRASS ME!!!”

Being told that he embarasses Dom cuts Vince like a knife through some beef shank at a Brazilian steak house.

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“This is what I think of your Fat Burger jokes!”

It hadn’t occurred to me up until this point that Vin Diesel could move his face as much as he is here.

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Gaze upon Diesel’s gopher-like rage face as he continues to browbeat poor Vince.

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Dom keeps that cross around his neck because he’s secretly afraid of Dracula.

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Here’s Hobbs again, now on the boys’ trail, inspecting their handiwork on the train.

To cover the maximum amount of facial area in a heavenly glaze, Dwayne Johnson went bobbing for apples in a barrel of baby oil.

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Man, get a load of this shyster.

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Hobbs and his roided-up crew decide it’s time to head back to the favelas.

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Some familiar favela faces.

This framing looks awfully familiar, Justin Lin. Could you have maybe re-used some footage from earlier in the movie? Either that or shirtless guy hasn’t moved since yesterday.

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Keep your favela friends close, and your baby uzis closer (to your chest).

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Hobbs & Co. make some casual threats.

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The Barrio Boyz back down.

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Back at home base, Dom throws Brian a knowing glance.

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Even with Mia hanging over his shoulder, Brian can’t hide his excitement.

Playing to his strengths, Brian compliments his baby blues with a matching blue wave of cotton.

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Like all big game hunters, Hobbs sniffs the air, and follows the distinct trail of CK Obsession right to Dom and Brian’s secret clubhouse.

In order to see better down his gun scope, Hobbs had his right eye surgically enlarged.

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A transfixed Hobbs catches sight of Toretto fleeing.

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Dom flares his nostrils and purses his lips, while slightly furrowing his eyebrows, molding his face into a more aerodynamic shape to reduce drag as he runs.

Vin Diesel is currently sporting a whole lot of neck, so his chain is halfway towards flying off of his head due to a lack of chin right angles.

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Uncontrollably giddy after spotting his prey, Hobbs goes after Dom in hot pursuit.

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Pretty sure that’s not Vin Diesel.

You’re right Chris, I’m pretty sure I’ve seen this dude do stunts in every single episode of Hawaii 5-0.

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Hobbs, now in ecstasy, catches another glimpse of Dom as he gracefully flits across the rooftops.

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In wide-eyed wonderment, he changes tactics and attempts to silently sneak up behind Dom.

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Dom, wise to Hobbs’ tactics, shifts facial gears, dropping into a dead sprint. Can we get a close-up of that action?

I hate to say it, but ole boy Diesel runs with less grace than a three legged dog. He must be emulating early (thin) Steven Seagal (As seen here).

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Diesel’s misshapen head overpowers the frame as he attempts to shift gears again.

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He slams it hard into sixth, but it looks like he’s riding the clutch. Go easy, DOG.

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Going against Noel Gallagher’s explicit directions, Dom looks back in anger.

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Damn, Hobbs wants Toretto so bad he’s salivating over here.

It’s hard for me to process what is more unsettling, the back of Diesel’s neck vs. the harsh lines and veins of Hobbs’ forehead.

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Dwayne’s regretting that last bean and 3-cheese burrito he scored at craft services for lunch.

That looks like mile 23 of a marathon right there. What you can’t see is Hobbs shitting down his own leg, full stride.

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Elsewhere in the favelas, Brian has retracted his upper teeth in preparation for his mega ultra jaw-buster.

I wonder if Paul requested that they cut down that one beam of the fence in order to make him look taller?

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BOOM… dust cloud. But let’s look a little closer at a couple frames here.

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Nice form, Brian. Those baby arms look familiar though… Man, that craft services guy is putting in mad work on this film.

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Whoa, wait a minute. Brian’s fist is clearly past the thug’s head, and he hasn’t even reacted to the punch yet.

Dude went all out for his combat vest, but dug up one of his old ladies most haggard stockings for his headgear.

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And is that some fake 2D blood added to this shot?

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“Boo-hoo. Too much movie magic for ya?”

The only thing preventing Hobbs’ bones from jumping through his skin is that custom fitted, one-time-use flak jacket.

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“Well how does this neck-break look up in hurrrrrrr?”

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Mia’s lookin’ like a skeleton wearing a tank top right now.

I hope they grill you up some big pieces of chicken, cause you’re eating for two now, and I shouldn’t be able to see your ribcage, ja feel?

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Dom gets caught, and after checking to see that Brian isn’t watching, quickly creates a diversion- with a hug.

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Dom’s unwanted embrace is too fast and furious for Officer Neves (Elsa Pataky).

In an odd bit of stunt casting, known actress Linda Cardellini stands in for Elsa in this frame, and this frame only.

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Diesel is totally smelling her hair in this shot. Taking a deep draught, even.

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Baby uzi held close to baby Luis Guzmán’s mouth.

I’d counter that he’s holding a normal sized uzi, and it is “him” that is baby sized. Also, knowing he possesses Stormtrooper-like aim, he opted to use the Corona Extra Long ® magazine.

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Mia could faintly hear the phrase, “Catch me, Pearce!” escape Brian’s lips as they made their daring leap off one of the rooftops.

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“Wait, that’s not CK Obsession! It’s some knockoff Hugo Boss swill. I gotta tell Hobbs.”

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Uh oh, Dom dropped his cross! How’s he going to deal with the vampires?

Could this also symbolize Dom’s waning faith in the outcome of this predicament?

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Dom’s reaction to the news that Mia is pregnant speaks volumes.

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Dom and Brian reconvene at a new safe-house to talk about their fathers.

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Corona’s are great, but when you’re in Brazil, you gotta drink Brazilian beer. Check out Diesel’s grip on that Brahma bottle.

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Who knows what tomorrow brings
In a world few hearts survive?
All I know is the way I feel
When it’s real, I keep it alive

The closer I get to you
The more you make me see

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The road is long
There are mountains in our way
But we climb a step every day

By giving me all you got
Your love has captured me

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Love lift us up where we belong
Where the eagles cry
On a mountain high

Over and over again
I tried to tell myself that we
Could never be more than friends
And all the while inside I knew it was real
The way you make me feel

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Love lift us up where we belong
Far from the world below
Up where the clear winds blow

Lying here next to you
Time just seems to fly
Needing you more and more
Let’s give love a try

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Some hang on to, ‘used to be’
Live their lives looking behind
All we have is here and now
All our life out there to find

Sweeter and sweeter love grows
Heaven’s there for those
Who fool the tricks of time

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Time goes by, no time to cry
Life’s you and I, a life today

With the hearts of love, they find true love
In a special way

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Love lift us up where we belong
Where the eagles cry
On a mountain high

Ok, that’s enough Joe Cocker. Let’s get back to the Dad talk.

Thank you, Joe Cocker. Thank you as well to the legendary Roberta Flack and Donnie Hathaway.

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Dom regales Brian with tales of his dad, hosting backyard barbeques after church every weekend for the whole neighborhood. And he assures Brian that even though his dad was a deadbeat, Brian will be a great father.

You can see it in the pained expression on Dom’s face, that dredging memories of a forgone time, is painful, but something he is willing to do…..for la familia.

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I’ll be honest, it’s tough trying to joke around about this part, so let’s move on.

Fast cars and man love may form the foundation of the Fast series, but family is the wood beams with which the home is erected.

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Oh hey, Han. How did I never realize that your character’s full name is Han Seoul-Oh until just now? That’s ridiculous.

That shirt makes Han look like the uncredited exchange student from Dazed and Confused.

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“Hey Brian, guess what?”

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“I’ve got two, two, gimme two words that you’ve been waiting to hear for the past two movies…”

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“… Roman Pearce.”

Nailed it!!!

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It’s good to see you again, Roman.

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Pearce and a malcontent Ludacris meet the other members of the ever expanding Fast and Furious crew.

Luda is malcontent because he knows in his heart of hearts that Roman is a superior dresser (and actor (and singer)).

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Dom and Roman meet for the first time.

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Do I detect a hint of jealousy on their faces?

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“I don’t know about this guy, Brian…”

Brian’s inner monologue is going something like this right about now:

Tomorrow we can drive around this town
And let the cops chase us around
The past is gone but something might be found
To take its place, hey jealousy
Hey jealousy
Hey jealousy
Hey jealousy

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Ah, you guys will get along just fine.

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Agent Fusco goofin’.

This dude looks like a broke ass Terry Crews.

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Hobbs does not seem amused. But maybe that’s just because this is the end of part 2. Who knows what will happen in part 3? Will we ever discover the meaning of Vince’s tattoo? What about Hobbs’ tattoo? Will the vampires get Dom? Is Pearce going to be hongry? I can’t wait to find out.

One thing is for sure, Baby Oil is no longer cutting it for Hobbs. It lacks the necessary viscosity for a man on a mission. Moving forward, he will only use the finest Wesson Canola Oil© to lube up his frame, which can also be used to lubricate his Smith and Wesson® pistol.

 

Love,

christoph & boris

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