Fast Five – Part Five: Falling Action

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How do I…..Say goodbye….to what we had??

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The good times…that made us laugh...

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Outweigh the bad….

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“Goddamnit, SNAP OUT OF IT!!”

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“Eyes up boys, we have contact!!”

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For Hobbs, the future is something to look forward to, not to fear. He is a creative many of many interests, film, poetry, karate, music, and dance. He is a man of passion and mystery, he is a man of lust.

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But mostly, he’s a man of ACTION!!!!!!!!

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Oh Paul, how I will miss your perfect sideways braces ({}) face.

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Dwayne has his own face he’s trying out. He calls it “The Ramses II”. He’s still a little pissed that certified white man Joel Edgerton played Ramses in Exodus: Gods and Kings.

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“It feels like I’m taking fire right now.” Hobbs thought to himself.

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Hobbs immediately regrets his decision to jump out of the vehicle with guns ablaze.

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“I live my life one second at a time….”

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I’m basically Superman.

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This dude is essentially Expendable.

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Almost on cue, my man get’s shot up. Big ups to the producers for having the decency to name this red-shirt before offing him. This Bud’s for you, Desmond Chato.

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Chato was clearly more than just a red-shirt to Hobbs. Just let it all out big fella, no one’s looking.

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This is the look you get when someone is trying to flex hard enough to make their head separate from the rest of their body.

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“Look’s like this is it guys, see you at the pearly gates…..”

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“Is…is that an angel????”

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“Twenty percent Angel, eighty percent Devil, vatos!!!!”

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“I got you too, Hobbs. Look at how well I hold this assault rifle.”

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Even Vince is joining the party, firing off rounds all willy nilly from his baby-Uzi.

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“But…but you are supposed to be the bad guys?!?!?” Hobbs confusedly queried.

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“I’m here….ain’t I?”

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“C’mon Hobbs, don’t leave me hangin’.”

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“I’ve GOT you!!!”

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Bromance, ENGAGED!!!!

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“I’m sorry I was so wack, Dom.” Hobbs Zoolander apologized.

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“Did we just become best friends?!?!?”

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Goddammit Vince, how do you hold that gun so close to your chest????

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“Carefully.”

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“Vince, are you okay?” Dom asked with marked concern.

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“I got my wings clipped, Dom.”

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“Give my love to my suspiciously dark skinned “son”. Vince…….OUT.”

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“No problemo.”

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“Dammit, Vince is gone……”

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“Dom, what do we do now??”

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“Yeah Dom, what DO we DO?”

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“Only one thing left to do…”

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Get a load of this complex, where Latin Steve Guttenberg’s money is holed up.

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“If you can dream it, you can DO it!!!”

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The quake that shook Guttenberg’s complex, knocked this cat into another dimension, where words simply do not exist.

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Reyes Guttenberg simply cannot fathom someone making a run at him.

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T-Rex Arm Toretto has other plans.

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Diesel is giving off big time Right Said Fred vapors right here.

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Brian, I know you’re driving on a green screen set, but perhaps you could at least look like your eyes are on the road?

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You’re really putting that E-Brake through it’s paces, O’Connor.

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“No more brakes Brian, the Policia are after you!!!” Mia reminded him.

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Meanwhile, the Hell-spawn himself rides the uptown bus, oblivious to the vehicular mayhem that is about to happen around him.

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“Don’t worry Mia, I’m here to do one thing and one thing only….”

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“….Make stupid faces while driving Fast…..”

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“Hey, don’t forget about me guys..” Dom said while falling asleep behind the wheel.

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“Snap outta it DOM!!!” Brian screamed, echoing my main man Hobbs from earlier in the post.

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Man, I’m good at this.

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I think after this is all said and done, I’m gonna go legit homie. Gonna try and get on that NIRA circuit.

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Wait, what was I doing again?

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Oh YEAHH!!! Going FAST, but also going FURIOUS.

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This Mazda Protege is about to get done dirty.

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But thanks to Movie Magic, it turns into a Mazda Miata at the last second before getting crushed by Latin Steve Guttenberg’s vault.

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Dom is focusing really hard, because it isn’t easy dragging 10-Ton vault filled with copious amounts of Brazilian real.

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Brazilian Policia apparently love to hang out of the squad-car while aimlessly firing onto the busy Rio streets.

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“C’mon bruh, I’m driving here!!!”

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This cat o’er here thinks he’s Omar Little and shit….

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Meanwhile, Han simply cannot get enough of that new Pitbull (This movie came out in 2011 remember?) joint.

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Give me everything tonight, for all we know, we might not get tomorrow…..”

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“Yo, this shit is off the chain!!!!”

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All that Roman can do to properly express his approval of this song is to unleash a barrage of goofy faces.

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This is that feline triangle delight.

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This is where Romy Rome realizes that this caper is kind of reckless.

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This is when the chorus drops. “Grab somebody sexy, tell ‘em hey!!!”

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Give me everything tonight…..

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Give me everything tonight…..

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“Dom, why aren’t you singing too?!?!?”

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“I ain’t got time for this SHIT, O’Conner!!!”

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“We’re doin’ WORK!!!”

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“Brian, LISTEN to Dom!!”

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“GAAAHHHH, Alright!!”

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“Just one more note though.”

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All of this Pitbull music has left a bad taste in Latin Steve Guttenberg’s mouth.

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Upon remembering that his vault of real just got low-jacked, Guttenberg asks his lackey to refocus.

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Latinberg’s facial skin definitely has that weathered, oiled catcher’s mitt quality to it.

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This shot was inserted just to show that no Brazilian’s were beheaded during the filming of this movie.

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Notice my man in the beret clearly “ducks” his head down.

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Probably saving him from sure death in this shot.

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Reyes’ men are quite literally pulling out the big guns here, thus creating problems for Dom and the gang.

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“Who am I??” Dom thought as he pondered his next move.

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“I’m the guy that can jump out of moving vehicles and only end up with superficial wounds.” Dom proudly stated.

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Steven Seagal Reyes Guttenberg knows that he is not nearly nimble enough to jump out of moving vehicles and will be dying in a fiery death in just mere moments.

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“I make this look good.”

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Somehow, Reyes’ lackey managed to miraculously walk away from that car crash…

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Only to taste the cold steel of Brian O’Conner’s 9.

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Konnichiwa, Bitches.

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Seemingly unconcerned with the miles of destruction left in their wake, they guys bro it up one last time.

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“The boys are back in town Dom, we DID it!!”

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“We sure did, but there’s only one problem.”

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“What’s she doing here?””

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“Don’t you worry about her Dom, she’s with me.

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“Hobbs, it’s been real, let’s maybe do this again sometime?”

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The thought of a sequel has ole boy Hobbs tickled. Below the surface, Hobbs actor, Dwayne Johnson, knows that for him there will always be a sequel.

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Because nobody does it better.

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At this point the bit players are reveling in there new found riches in the form of Brazilian blood money. But hey, lets not get into semantics.

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This is the last we will ever see these motherfuckers. Enjoy the rest of you’re Reggaeton careers.

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Roman does the trick for use where his teeth recede into the deep space that is his mouth.

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Only to return moments later, as shark-like as ever.

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Dom is loving it.

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“I’m so happy, I’m gonna order TWO meatball subs. Two baby two, gimme two.” Tej said to anyone who was willing to listen.

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As Brian stares vacantly in the distance, reflecting on all the good times, I too share in his reflecting. It’s been a good ride guys.

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But as they say, all good things must come to and end. I don’t think I can fully devote myself to these ever increasingly long posts based on the Fast and Furious franchise. So it’s with a forlorn and heavy heart, that I bow out of championing any future posts in the series. I’ve given all I had to give, as they say. My mind is ready, but my body no longer is.

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“Hey Boris, I just want you to know that we love you, now and forever, and that you’ll always be a part of OUR familia.” Dom said to me, breaking down the walls of the universe.

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You don’t know how much that means to me Dom, to be a part of your familia. To send this post out properly, let’s take a little stroll down memory lane, with limited Boris interruption.

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“You know he won’t actually be able to stay away right? At least not forever.” Says Agent Monica Fuentes (Eva Mendes), in the cameo of lifetime.

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“So you’re saying there’s a chance?”

 

Boris??

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