Fast Five – Part Five: Falling Action

How do I…..Say goodbye….to what we had??

The good times…that made us laugh...

Outweigh the bad….

“Goddamnit, SNAP OUT OF IT!!”

“Eyes up boys, we have contact!!”

For Hobbs, the future is something to look forward to, not to fear. He is a creative man of many interests, film, poetry, karate, music, and dance. He is a man of passion and mystery, he is a man of lust.

But mostly, he’s a man of ACTION!!!!!!!!

Oh Paul, how I will miss your perfect sideways braces ({}) face.

Dwayne has his own face he’s trying out. He calls it “The Ramses II”. He’s still a little pissed that certified white man Joel Edgerton played Ramses in Exodus: Gods and Kings.

“It feels like I’m taking fire right now.” Hobbs thought to himself.

Hobbs immediately regrets his decision to jump out of the vehicle with guns ablaze.

“I live my life one second at a time….”

I’m basically Superman.

This dude is essentially Expendable.

Almost on cue, my man get’s shot up. Big ups to the producers for having the decency to name this red-shirt before offing him. This Bud’s for you, Desmond Chato.

Chato was clearly more than just a red-shirt to Hobbs. Just let it all out big fella, no one’s looking.

This is the look you get when someone is trying to flex hard enough to make their head separate from the rest of their body.

“Look’s like this is it guys, see you at the pearly gates…..”

“Is…is that an angel????”

“Twenty percent Angel, eighty percent Devil, vatos!!!!”

“I got you too, Hobbs. Look at how well I hold this assault rifle.”

Even Vince is joining the party, firing off rounds all willy nilly from his baby-Uzi.

“But…but you are supposed to be the bad guys?!?!?” Hobbs confusedly queried.

“I’m here….ain’t I?”

“C’mon Hobbs, don’t leave me hangin’.”

“I’ve GOT you!!!”

Bromance, ENGAGED!!!!

“I’m sorry I was so wack, Dom.” Hobbs Zoolander apologized.

“Did we just become best friends?!?!?”

Goddammit Vince, how do you hold that gun so close to your chest????

“Carefully.”

“Vince, are you okay?” Dom asked with marked concern.

“I got my wings clipped, Dom.”

“Give my love to my suspiciously dark skinned “son”. Vince…….OUT.”

“No problemo.”

“Dammit, Vince is gone……”

“Dom, what do we do now??”

“Yeah Dom, what DO we DO?”

“Only one thing left to do…”

Get a load of this complex, where Latin Steve Guttenberg’s money is holed up.

“If you can dream it, you can DO it!!!”

The quake that shook Guttenberg’s complex, knocked this cat into another dimension, where words simply do not exist.

Reyes Guttenberg simply cannot fathom someone making a run at him.

T-Rex Arm Toretto has other plans.

Diesel is giving off big time Right Said Fred vapors right here.

Brian, I know you’re driving on a green screen set, but perhaps you could at least look like your eyes are on the road?

You’re really putting that E-Brake through it’s paces, O’Connor.

“No more brakes Brian, the Policia are after you!!!” Mia reminded him.

Meanwhile, the Hell-spawn himself rides the uptown bus, oblivious to the vehicular mayhem that is about to happen around him.

“Don’t worry Mia, I’m here to do one thing and one thing only….”

“….Make stupid faces while driving Fast…..”

“Hey, don’t forget about me guys..” Dom said while falling asleep behind the wheel.

“Snap outta it DOM!!!” Brian screamed, echoing my main man Hobbs from earlier in the post.

Man, I’m good at this.

I think after this is all said and done, I’m gonna go legit homie. Gonna try and get on that NIRA circuit.

Wait, what was I doing again?

Oh YEAHH!!! Going FAST, but also going FURIOUS.

This Mazda Protege is about to get done dirty.

But thanks to Movie Magic, it turns into a Mazda Miata at the last second before getting crushed by Latin Steve Guttenberg’s vault.

Dom is focusing really hard, because it isn’t easy dragging 10-Ton vault filled with copious amounts of Brazilian real.

Brazilian Policia apparently love to hang out of the squad-car while aimlessly firing onto the busy Rio streets.

“C’mon bruh, I’m driving here!!!”

This cat o’er here thinks he’s Omar Little and shit….

Meanwhile, Han simply cannot get enough of that new Pitbull (This movie came out in 2011 remember?) joint.

“Give me everything tonight, for all we know, we might not get tomorrow…..”

“Yo, this shit is off the chain!!!!”

All that Roman can do to properly express his approval of this song is to unleash a barrage of goofy faces.

This is that feline triangle delight.

This is where Romy Rome realizes that this caper is kind of reckless.

This is when the chorus drops. “Grab somebody sexy, tell ’em hey!!!”

Give me everything tonight…..

“Dom, why aren’t you singing too?!?!?”

“I ain’t got time for this SHIT, O’Conner!!!”

“We’re doin’ WORK!!!”

“Brian, LISTEN to Dom!!”

“GAAAHHHH, Alright!!”

“Just one more note though.”

All of this Pitbull music has left a bad taste in Latin Steve Guttenberg’s mouth.

Upon remembering that his vault of real just got low-jacked, Guttenberg asks his lackey to refocus.

Latinberg’s facial skin definitely has that weathered, oiled catcher’s mitt quality to it.

This shot was inserted just to show that no Brazilian’s were beheaded during the filming of this movie.

Notice my man in the beret clearly “ducks” his head down.

Probably saving him from sure death in this shot.

Reyes’ men are quite literally pulling out the big guns here, thus creating problems for Dom and the gang.

“Who am I??” Dom thought as he pondered his next move.

“I’m the guy that can jump out of moving vehicles and only end up with superficial wounds.” Dom proudly stated.

Steven Seagal Reyes Guttenberg knows that he is not nearly nimble enough to jump out of moving vehicles and will be dying in a fiery death in just mere moments.

“I make this look good.”

Somehow, Reyes’ lackey managed to miraculously walk away from that car crash…

Only to taste the cold steel of Brian O’Conner’s 9.

Konnichiwa, Bitches.

Seemingly unconcerned with the miles of destruction left in their wake, they guys bro it up one last time.

“The boys are back in town Dom, we DID it!!”

“We sure did, but there’s only one problem.”

“What’s she doing here?””

“Don’t you worry about her Dom, she’s with me.

“Hobbs, it’s been real, let’s maybe do this again sometime?”

The thought of a sequel has ole boy Hobbs tickled. Below the surface, Hobbs actor, Dwayne Johnson, knows that for him there will always be a sequel.

Because nobody does it better.

At this point the bit players are reveling in there new found riches in the form of Brazilian blood money. But hey, lets not get into semantics.

This is the last we will ever see these motherfuckers. Enjoy the rest of you’re Reggaeton careers.

Roman does the trick for use where his teeth recede into the deep space that is his mouth.

Only to return moments later, as shark-like as ever.

Dom is loving it.

“I’m so happy, I’m gonna order TWO meatball subs. Two baby two, gimme two.” Tej said to anyone who was willing to listen.

As Brian stares vacantly in the distance, reflecting on all the good times, I too share in his reflecting. It’s been a good ride guys.

But as they say, all good things must come to and end. I don’t think I can fully devote myself to these ever increasingly long posts based on the Fast and Furious franchise. So it’s with a forlorn and heavy heart, that I bow out of championing any future posts in the series. I’ve given all I had to give, as they say. My mind is ready, but my body no longer is.

“Hey Boris, I just want you to know that we love you, now and forever, and that you’ll always be a part of OUR familia.” Dom said to me, breaking down the walls of the universe.

You don’t know how much that means to me Dom, to be a part of your familia. To send this post out properly, let’s take a little stroll down memory lane, with limited Boris interruption.