Fast Five – Part Four: Testosterone Rising

003_Hobbs_Profile

Part four is here and its all about the boyzzz! Cars will be raced, beers will be drunk and chrome domes will clash, so lets get started.  We pick up on the gang keeping tabs on our man Hobbs. Hobbs seems to be in deep thought though. Perhaps wondering what he’s gonna do when his head inevitably grows too big for these types of portraits. Amputation is not an option.

It’s also not an option to say no to guest writing this post.  Nick is here to shed some more light and extra turtle wax on those chrome domes.  Get your sunglasses ready.

004_Dom_Vacant

Dom is immediately reminded of his run in with Hobbs in the flavela, and is full of jealous rage over his much larger chrome dome. Though you wouldn’t be able to tell. He looks like he took a couple of Ambien and is trying his hardest to keep them chubby lids open.

005_Ludacris_Sleepy

Unfortunately Luda isn’t fairing well either.

Looks like Rico is sucking the brains right out of Luda’s head, and he likes it.

006_Tyrese_Sleepy

Dom’s sleepy aura starts to take over Roman as well.

Roman’s eyes are getting heavy.

007_Eyerbody_Sleepy

Like a disease, it spreads to Han.

I wonder how they can act when…everyone…is so….

008_Tyrese_Sleepy_Again

It’s at this point that the guys curl up with blankets on the floor, ala kindergarten, and take an afternoon nap.

*SNORE*

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The boyz better wake up though! Hobb’s is rearin for some one on one time with Dom!

Wha wha I’m awake!  Never want to wake up to that.

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Meanwhile 50% Paul Scheer is sweating up a frenzy in the suv, wondering why they can’t use the AC.

How did the AC got made?

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“Is this HQ!? We need AC up in here, STAT!”

His straight up Jell-O face is killing me

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Hobbs eventually finds the gang at an illegal street racing event, doing everything but street racing. He decides to display his male dominance to the crowd with an impressive jaw jutt.

Beneath that beard is Chuck Norris’s fist.

018_Hey_Hobbs

“Hey Hobbs, wazzzuuuuuuuppp!?”

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Hobbs begins lecturing HARD about the dangers of illegal street racing…

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…and about what could happen if you go too FAST, as well as become too FURIOUS.

Justin you are the king of the stationary Chrome Dome, I can’t look away.

031_Seriously_Brah

And in no way has Dom’s boobs started to drop. (Sarcasm)

It’s like Gisele knew you were going to type that.

032_Dom_Smug

“Why don’t you say that to my face!”

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With pleasure, Hobbs gets up close and very personal. “Is that CK Obsession I smell or some Hugo Boss knockoff!?”

Is that drool in his beard or is he just happy to see Dom?

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Dom smirks with a supreme subtlety. “Wouldn’t you like to know.”

Oh baby, looks like he’s trying to resist the shakes.

038_Head_Fat

The air becomes thick with the scent of head-fat sweat and testosterone. I also sense a hint of bromance mixed in there. We’ll just have to wait and see how this develops.

The glare of their heads created a lesser human between them.

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Soon after, Brian and Dom find themselves at a red light. “Hey Dom, Dom, Dom!! Don’t worry about that Hobb’s guy. His dome isn’t even that big.”

I think his Adam’s apple is punching him.

039_Wanna_Race

“Yeah, but did you see those veins!? What do you think he’s benching with that thing? Anyways, how about some Street Racin’!”

040_I_Have_Boner

“Dom, there’s nothing I’d want more. Brahs for life?”

041_Thats_A_Yes

“Brahs for eternity, brah!”

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“Hey, have you seen Roman anywhere?”

Pay no attention to his right hand as he asks this.

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Roman shows up displaying all 32 of his pearly whites.

He must shed them every year like a shark.

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Dom tries showing all of his teeth as well, but fails miserably.

Pffff, he doesn’t shed any teeth, lame!

053_Bryan_Loves_It

Bryan straight up loves it!

He doesn’t need to.

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The degree of rotation Dom’s getting here is impressive, considering the amount of neck fat he’s battling.

Look at that neck motion blur.

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“Hey Dom, you know who I wish was here? Han.”

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“He does this weird thing with his eyebrows, that looks kinda like this…..well I can’t do it….”

“Boob Boob Boob Boob Boob…”

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“Your wish is my command!” Han aims to please.

He’s moving those brows like Piston Honda.

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And then Dom realized he had the best friends a guy could ask for.

069_Roman_Revvin

“Enough of this gooey bullshit!” Someone….

070_Roman_Revvin

…just…

071_Roman_Revvin

…got…

072_Roman_Revvin

…HONGRY!!!

The Bokeh really helps emphasize the “GRY!!!!”

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Lets take a look at the instant replay.

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Watch out for those chompers. They’ll get ya.

He has very little time to get to the gym so he has to work those chompers while driving.

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Dom keeps things in control with some steady mouth breathing.

He’s breathing like a Lamaze Pro…is that why is boobs are starting to fall?

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Han decides to take things back to the homeland and jerks the wheel into a Tokyo Drift!

Jab Jab Jab.

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Roman’s giving his wheel a good polish.

I hope he saved some of that polish for the Chrome Domes.

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Bryan keeps things in control with his baby wheel turn and brings it in for the win.

Hard stare is more important then over compensating with turning the wheel.

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Roman chomps hard in protest. His teeth are looking 25% baked bean here.

That means they are about to go

091_I_Win

Bryan on the other hand is ecstatic over the win. His chompers are rivaling Roman’s at this point.

Just proves that they belong together.

092_Victory_Grill

He then gives us a lip heavy victory grill.

I like to imagine he is singing “Only Youuuuuu”

094_I'm_The_Best

So satisfied!

I know I am.

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Back at the base, its party time!

It’s always party time with these two.

100_Goodjob_Bryan

“Good job on those baby wheel turns Bryan.”

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“But I’m still hongry! Who’s in the mood for some baked beans!”

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There’s only one person that can make Bryan’s lip quiver in rage like that.

He’s imaging two domes together so he can go full motor boat.

109_Handshake

Vince! They lock hands and eyes, as Roman watches uncomfortably.

I wonder if this TIME he’S looking for a NEW ROMAN…I’m sarry.

110_Possible_Bromance

That’s the “I know I’ve been a dick, but lets be brahs” look.

We all know Roman can never be replaced.

111_Possible_Bromance

His baby blues say it all. Bromance accepted!

Nick likes this.

Anim_Vince_Headshake_SMALL

“Hey Dom, me and Bryan are like BFFs now. I hope you’re not jealous.”

Just look at the subtle hint of a dancing chest tattoo and all will be forgiven.

115_Dom_Bewildered

In light of this new development, Dom dishes out a look of straight up bewilderment.

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“Let me just take a few hundred swigs from this beer first!”

Wife beater, shiny head, droopy muscles, that’s the only way to drink a beer.

119_Dom_Swig

“Hold on, it looks like I missed some. Let me just wrap my lips around the rim of this bottle, creating a vacuum tight seal, and suck it out.”

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“Mmmm, that beer’s good. Its no Corona Extra, but good.”

Those extra cheek smiles get me every time.

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All that swiggin’ leaves Dom quite intoxicated.

Swiggin’ is better than wiggin’.

124_Dom_Wildeyes

But he decides to give Vince his blessing.

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Meanwhile, Bryan is gettin a little sloppy as well.

She’s wondering why nothing is…coming up.

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“Hey man! You drunk!”

“As drunk as you are dreamy”

Anim_Bryan_Arguing_SMALL

“Nah, you are the one who is drunk!”

I’m just going to curl your tiny hands”

137_Bryan_Sloppy

This picture begs to differ. Bryan is looking supremely sloppy here.

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Dom’s getting perma-smile.

He’s so happy that you can still see his wife beater through his grown up clothes.

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Bryan gets hungry and starts chowing down on some of Mia’s earing. “Mmm, is that copper?”

“YES IT IS”.

142_Vince_Bromance

“Hey Dom. You ever where hoop earrings before?”

143_Dom_Bromance

“I don’t know how to quit you Vince!”

“And I don’t want to”

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Suddenly Bryan’s spider sense kicks in and picks up the scent of some extreme body sweat. There’s only one person that sweats that hard.

Sweat Hard by Dewey Cox

152_Hobbs_Arrival

And that’s Hobbs. Ridin’ real dirty with a look of scorn.

153_Still_No_AC

“Oh shit, it’s Hobbs, and he still hasn’t fixed the AC.”

154_Heat_On

“Are you kidding!? I got the heat cranked UP!”

“Nothing beats getting psyched up for a fight by swallowing you’re own dude sweat!”

Anim_Lets_Rumble_SMALL

“WOOOOOH!! Its hot in there!!”

He was hot boxing with god.

158_In_Your_Face

“Give it up Hobbs! You know I got more head fat than you, you’ll never win!”

159_Unhappy

Dom’s frown reaches its apex.

The pack of sausages on the back of Hobb’s neck, too much.

160_You_Stink

Hobbs lets out the first punch with a nostril flare that would make his mother proud.

He smells something…

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At which point Dom starts wailin’ on him with his forearm.

It’s the scent of his own pummeling.

165_Aaaaahhh

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“NYYAAAAAHHH!!!”

168_Eat_Glass

“Eat glass Dom!

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“What this glass? Nah, I like it bro!”

“Some of this glass might have come from a Corona Extra”

172_Gettin_Crazy

So many emotions encapsulated here. Anger, sadness, scorn, fear.

He’s going apex again.

174_Pinchin_Loaf

Hobbs might be pinchin’ a loaf.

Come on Brian, perfect time to motorboat.

175_Hold_Up

“Seriously Dom, I think I just released the prairie dogs.”

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Kickin all day, kickin all night.

There is no defense for a crane kick.

179_Pose

Posin’ on the hood, acting like Hobb’s size 13 didn’t just shatter his rib cage.

I’ll just do some bench dips in the middle of the fight, no big deal.

180_Flexin

Suck it up Dom! Go for the pancreas!

181_My_Pancreas

“AHH, MY PANCREAS!”

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No comment.

I can’t…I…I can’t.

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This is how real men do sit ups.

In the Matrix.

188_Impressed

Dom is majorly impressed.

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All those sit ups got Hobbs mouth salivating.

He’s fighting like he’s the Dilophosaurus and Newman is in front of him with “shaving cream”.

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And just for fun.

Haha Amazing.

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Dom retaliates with an impressive head bang. All these head attacks do little to no damage on these meaty domes though.

Maybe the wax was per-applied.

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“May I have this dance?”

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Dom does his best impression of Rocky in his 15th round with Apollo.

“That’s how winnin’ is done!” 

211_Chokehold

Dom’s in trouble! He has to open his mouth and nostrils as wide as possible to get some air.

212_Gettin_Crazy

Hobbs then starts trash talkin Dom, telling him how he’s head is puny, like little girl.

Those Hanz and Franz workouts are going straight to his mind grapes.

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Suddenly, Dom builds up some hard rage!

Crazy eyes!

218_Getting_Crazy

“HEEEEYYAAAAHHH!!!”

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Dom breaks free, but is immediately given a bear hug.

“Dance isn’t over son”

230_Dom_Hurting

“Why you gotta hug so hard man!?”

224_Dom_Wild

This puts Dom into an Ape Wild state.

237_Headfat_Showoff

“Nobody makes me bleed my own blood!”

His neck is perfectly scaled to his head fat, so majestic.

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Things get straight up medieval as Dom wails on Hobb’s head. Again, this won’t do any lasting damage. Equally impressive is the way Dom makes his top row of teeth completely disappear.

I was slowly losing hope
Twisting frayed ends of the rope
In a suicidal fantasy
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“Dom! Go for the body! Those head shots aren’t gonna do shit!”

I was going to extremes
Losing sight of all my dreams again
I never thought I’d win

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“The body, the body, the body!!!”

I was blinded by the pain
Running wild through the rain
In a parody of ecstasy

238_Headfat_Showoff

Dom’s head obliterates the frame! It’s clear who won this round.

I was inches from the edge
Fingers clinging to the ledge again
I never thought I’d win

239_Dom_Exhausted

“I didn’t know winning would be this hard.”

Win in the end
I’m gonna win in the end
Win in the end
I’m gonna win in the end

240_Victory_Surrender

In the end, Dom has to surrender to fake Paul Scheer. But not without displaying his prize winning chrome dome first. What does this mean for the last and final chapter? Will the gang make it out of Brazil alive? Will the federal agents ever get AC in their car? Will Dom and Hobbs ever develop a mutual respect and become brahs? Part five has all the answers!

 

 

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