Toilet Boll 2015

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Ready! Set! Hut! Hut! Flush!

I never know what I’m going to get with these, it’s like playing Russian Roulette with my eyes/common sense.  Much like pre neck injury Peyton Manning I’m here for the big game.  Much like his mouth breathing brother, I hope I show up for the clutch performance.  Welcome to Toilet Boll 2015!

This year’s selection is the 2005 classic “Alone in the Dark”.  I know what you’re thinking, “Isn’t that a video game?”  Yes, yes it is, with the Bollerina it’s always a video game.

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Oh great, it starts out with a 1:35:34 second long vertical scrolling intro.  That’s ALWAYS a good sign.

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Oh hai Edward Carnby (Christian “Best Jack Nicholson Impersonator Ever” Slater).  This won’t work at all, WAKE UP FUCKTARD!!!

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Wow, that’s never effective.  Does this mean I have super powers?

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No no, it was just the work of the single serving friend to his left (Ryan Drescher).  For such a young actor he sure is showing a lot of chest with that open polo.  We’re less than two minutes in, way to keep it classy Boll.

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Instant recovery!  He knows where his bread is buttered.  It’s on his face, above his left eye.  That dude in the background is pissing me off, does he realize what he’s missing?

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This is total bull shit, Neo doesn’t need to take a cab!

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Oh it’s only Carnby.  But if you put some slow motion bullets right in frame……

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That’s right cabbie (Brian Fletcher), turn away.  You don’t want to look at him when he’s doing doubles.  Avert your gaze!

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Flashing quality duck lips here.  We won’t mention how you’re squinting and NOT wearing the sunglasses that are currently being used to turn your crew neck into a V.

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Duck face to swollen protruding tongue in less than 2 seconds!  Make note of that, you’ll see why later.  Btw, the full beard without a mustache, makes you look like a jackass.

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“If you aren’t going to use those shades can you toss them my way Chief?”

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This is seriously what this guy was doing.  Did Boll really say to him “Hey can you please do something as distracting as possible?”  “Oh I know, I’ll move on a pivot foot like I’m in the NBA”

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“Also can you inexplicably end up in the worst possible spot for this shot too?  Thanks cousin, see you at Thanksgiving” (I’m only assuming they are related, or Boll lost some sort of law suit).

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DOUBLE BROW POWER!!!!!

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Oh good some more extras.  They were instructed to watch James Pinkerton (Ed Anders) knock down a part of a building, then casually saunter in front of him.  Then have the older guy be the one to get the full brunt of his aggressive two hand touch tackle.

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Yeah we’re looking at you Pinkerton.  I don’t care how disproportionate  your neck veins are, you were wrong sir!

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Use that giant ice wall to refract the rays from the double brows.  One will only stun him but two will straight up murder him.

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The lack of symmetry in his neck causes the rays to bounce right off.  So our hero Carnby decides to take aim as if he were hanging off a moving train.

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OH NO!!  Pinkerton is immune to bullets as well.  I wonder if he has any other super powers.

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He has the uncanny ability to cause an extra to slow down a bunch of pallets so he can leap on them with supernatural wire jumping precision.

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Wow, I’ve never seen so many heads before in my life!  Were they there before?

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Pinkerton is not about to be out done.  He tries his best to match Carnby’s headfecta only to be countered by a scissor kick to the throat.  Looks like he’s about to pop him like a zit.

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Then…fish

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Here is Aline Cedrac (Tara Reid).  On the left, no our left.

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Meanwhile on the bro boat.  I give you Prof. Lionel Hudgens (Matthew Walker) and Captain Chernick (Marck Acheson).  Really this has nothing to do with Chernick, it’s all about Hudgens being caught in full lip smack.

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Oh hey, Carnby is here to join the dry lips party.

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As if he needed another reason to squint.  Once he got that artifact he knew exactly how to look at it.  It’s cool Switzerland, I got this.

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Uh oh, whenever someone tries to make their chin part of their chest it’s never good.  Seriously, I can’t even see the thing, lousy lighting.

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It’s all good though, as long as Hudgsky is having a great time.  He’s got a smile only “masseuse” can love, until they get paid.

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Some more lip smacking for your face.

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Sam Fischer (Frank C. Turner) is being a good turkey headed keyboard jockey while…holy shit Agent Miles (Will Sanderson) is in this movie too?  Someone check this guy’s knees for rug burns, he has been in every Toilet Boll so far!

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Cmdr. Richard Burke (Stephen Dorff).  There is nothing here, I just really like those gunspenders.  They are fashionable and tactical.  I wonder if they sell them at Kohl’s, I’m sure Ray Liotta would know.

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Aline looks concerned about something.

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It’s because Carnby’s eyebrow is so powerful it knocked him off the chair.

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…and cue random extra on the side of the road dressed as if they just came from Catholic School.

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Turkey head is back!

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That stern look he had before sure got wiped away quickly.

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Ohhhhhh.  It’s the right one this time, that is some versatility.

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Someone is certainly enjoying the view.  Nice shit-eating grin Guard (Michael P. Northey)

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Guard is putting in some serious work.  Vogueing while licking his chops., I’m impressed, dare I say I want more!

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Aline says “Nope!  But enjoy my lip smacktion instead”.  I’ve lost count at the amount of dry lips in this work of fart.

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I can’t tell if Hudgsky likes that remark or not.  Let’s just say….It’s everything he never thought he wanted.

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Holy shit really?  It just doesn’t end in this thing! This movie is brought to you by Burt’s Bees.

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Ewwwww, that is the gross side effect of lip smacktion.  Sometimes they just want to stay connected.

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I couldn’t help myself.  You knew this gif was going to happen at least once.

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Ready, set, CHIN FIGHT!!!

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He just brought a sock to a Jaw Brawl.

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Burke knows that you need to have a MANdible to be in a chin fight.  He guffaws to himself in an air of supreme confidence.

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Turkey head is dumbfounded yet mesmerized.  Possibly slightly aroused, he looks like he would be into that getting dominated thing.  I’m just guessing.

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Oh good, fire the fun gun with your eyes closed.  This is why you can’t have nice things.

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Anything but thigh death!

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At first I couldn’t tell it was a grill.  Then I saw paradise by the gun shot light.  He dies.

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This grill is a lack of a grill, completely blown out.  Probably for the better, you know she probably had her eyes closed the whole time.

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It wouldn’t be a Boll movie without some mouth juice.  What is it with this guy and loogs?

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Burke’s hair is a Condor here, Nicholas Cage would be jealous.  Agent Miles keeps that “I don’t know what the hell to do in the scene” look on his face the entire time.  Remarkable endurance.

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Carnby holds his flashlight like a seasoned police offer.  Aline holds hers with her vagina.  I leave it up to you, which is more impressive.

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Oh look they found Satan’s asshole.

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Because all soldiers where lipstick and eye liner.  No amount of makeup will hide that worm of a vein in your forehead.  Well done Agent Cheung (Françoise Yip).

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If there isn’t an Alone In The Dark 2 where she comes back as a zombie…seriously Boll, no one saw this “dead” character try to get up for craft service?  It’s like you’re daring me to find more reasons not to like you.

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A dude with chronic lazy eye has an automatic weapon.  Only good can come from this.

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Or not.  We got to know Agent Feenstra (Ona Grauer) very well in Toilet Boll 2013.  I’m sure our paths will cross again, Boll reuses actors like Disney reuses animations.

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Burke does not approve of Miles’s lack of shooting skillz.

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Zombie face! Burke you could try harder.  Or are you too busy thinking about your next hit off a Blu cigarette?

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Another person with bad aim.  At least he is swallowing his upper lip while doing it.

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This is by far the most aggressive of the tongue action here.  Burke gets the Michael Jordan award for most proficient use of lip smacktion.  Congrats!

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I wonder why Hudgens has a look of bewilderment much like Doc Brown here.

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Oh yeah that knife that Burke threw.  Oh I get it, all that lip smacktion was a set up for when they actually needed the distraction.  Tactical geniuses!

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What the hell is he shooting at?  They could have at least tried to make the bullets come down in post.  He’s just spraying and praying here.

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After his spray down.  Burke looks across the field and…

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TOUCHDOWN!  (I hope).  That’s it kiddies, that’s the yearly hail mary that is the Toilet Boll.  I do it so you don’t have to.  I leave you with this extreme zooming close-up of Carnby’s money maker.  Just be careful not to get caught in a K-hole by watching this too many times, you’ve been warned.  Until next time!

– Nick

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