Happy Belated Malentine’s Day! I know, I know, it’s a year late. You have my deepest apologies, and I hope you enjoy what I’ve finally cooked up for you: 1988’s Rambo III.

While reading this post, I sincerely encourage you to fire up Bill Medley’s perennial classic, “Scrumpf of My Brother” – the theme to Rambo III:

[As a side note, last year’s Malentine’s Day post also featured a Bill Medley hit.]

The story starts with John Rambo paying the bills by participating in some underground street fightin’, man. G-sevaaaauugn!!

Damn, the locals got that bloodlust.

Or is it a lust for wild grills?

Either way, John Rambo is more than happy to oblige.

Or maybe they’d prefer Jesus Stallone.

Oh hi, Kurtwood Smith.

You are the true Hector Hammond, as evidenced by that fivehead you’re sporting.

“John Rambo can ride a horse? I do not believe you.”

Never underestimate John Rambo.

“Huzzah!”

In order to remain unseen, John Rambo begins flapping his hair, creating a large dust cloud.

Here’s a random guy getting Shot While Shooting.

Cuts like a knife… but it feels so right.

Whoops, looks like John Rambo isn’t happy with my Bryan Adams reference.

Here’s a great sequence where John Rambo hangs on to the underside of a tank while it drags him through the enemy compound.

Or maybe he’s bench pressing the tank? It’s hard to tell.

Is he making love to the tank? Uh.. ok, let’s move on.

Back to runnin’ and gunnin’.

Holding that rifle close to his chest.

Ka-Boom!

Va-Va-Voom!

Maybe it’s Maybelline™.

Bustin’ presleys.

By the way, John Rambo loves using the blindfire tactic.

John RamBRO does a few quick dips in this open manhole. I’m sarry.

Once again, John Rambo is not pleased with my sense of humor.

John Rambo fails miserably while trying to light a fart on fire.

“I thought it woulda been a good goof- AAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!”

Fake Kiefer Sutherland.

The Melancholy Mercs. The Pensive Patrol. The Bummer Boyz.

Stunt Coordinator: “You’re going to have the urge to stick your tongue out while he’s choking the life outta you. Resist that urge.”

“Amateur.”

So this fight starts out with John Rambo present.

Then he’s suddenly this guy. Could be Stallone, but I’m not 100% convinced.

Pretty sure that is NOT Stallone.

And now Copland is back. Ok.

Stunt Coordinator: “You’re going to have the urge to stick your tongue out while you’re picking that lock. Resist that urge.”

“Duh, what dat?”

Why, it’s a dummy, you dummy!

Doggin’ it.

John Rambo pulls out his signature compound bow + explosive tipped arrows. Let’s see what he’s about to wreck.

A model? They didn’t even paint out the wire, come on guys.

Renegade- comin’ at ya!

John Rambo lurks in the shadows.

Whoa sorry about this crotch shot.

Man it’s such a weird shot. The dude’s kiester is practically buffing the camera lens while he bends completely over. Just thinking about it sends John Rambo into a state of peaceful tranquility.

What follows is an Xtremely masculine set of grills, throbbing with testosterone, perfect for this- or any, Malentine’s Day.

Back to blastin’ fools. Check out that dookie stance.

More runnin’ and gunnin’.

John Rambo retracts his neck into his chest to compensate for the recoil.

Going with the blindfire technique again.

Here’s a wide shot, for the kids.

Is that what I think it is?

Yes, it’s a Molotov Olde English, a most devastating weapon. Perhaps THE most devastating.

So let it be written. So let it be done. And may all your Malentine’s Day wishes come true!

Love,

-christoph