Happy Malentine’s Day 2016!

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Happy Malentine’s Day! And were it not Malentine’s Day, this post would have been titled “Grill Hard 2: Grill Harder”, of course. Naturally. Can we all just take a second to appreciate how brilliant that tagline is? Die Hard 2: DIE HARDER. So good. I don’t know who came up with that, but for now I’ll just assume it was Renny Harlin. I’m not even joking, I love that tagline. “Electric Boogaloo” is the only thing that even comes close, in my opinion, and I honestly don’t know which one is better. Probably “Die Harder”.

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Let’s get this thing started with Chief Wiggum up there.

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“You giving me a parking ticket? Hows about I give you a face full of smarm?”

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“Sounds tasty, what is that, some kinda cruller?”

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Bill Sadler doing some naked karate in his hotel room.

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Hardscorn grilling his L.L.Bean collection.

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John McClane checking his beeper. Hey, it’s the 90s!

[Haha, Die Hard 2 is in that video, I didn’t even realize that until after I linked it. The Last Boy Scout is in there too, another Malentine’s Day classic, also starring Bruce Willis!]

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Sadler and his goons roll out.

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Whoa, Robert Patrick is in this movie?!

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McClane swooped in and snubbed Wyatt Earp before he could get to the phone.

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“Too slow, Earp.”

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Man, another action movie referencing Lethal Weapon.

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“Nice sweater.”

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“Is that from L.L.Bean?” Also, don’t miss the doofus on the right.

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“It’s not, but thank you.” Also, don’t miss the Winger roadie behind McClane.

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“Wh- are you sure?”

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An old man eating his Scorn Flakes™.

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Goon #1.

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Goons #2 and #3. Fake Kevin James and that’s not a forehead, that’s a Threehead.

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Oh, goon #1, what a charming goon you are!

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Smoking in the airport. Hey, it’s the 90s!

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“Buuuuuuuuuurrrrrp.”

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“I’m bustin’ ass as we speak.”

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“So am I. Let’s maintain eye contact.”

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Looks like that plan backfired.

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Our first action sequence has begun.

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Threehead is going for the old ‘swallow your bottom teeth’ routine.

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His stunt double decides to take a different approach.

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“I don’t use a stunt double!”

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Oh yes you do, and so does Mr. Willis.

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Willis’ stunt double needs to learn a thing or two about how to do the Willis Face.

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Here’s an example. Eyebrows are up, eyes wide. Mouth is open. You don’t make a “please don’t hurt me” face like the stunt double is doing.

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Again, eyebrows up, eyes wide, like you’re surprised.

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Keep that mouth open. You want to go for an open-mouthed duck face shape. Although there are times when you will need to close your mouth, but we’ll show you how that’s done later.

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Whoa, it’s Bad Skin Cop.

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“Have I ever told you that I love the theater?”

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Oh baby, Dennis Franz is not happy to see John McClane.

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“This is the part where the superior officer berates his subordinate. That would be YOU, McClane!”

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“You think you’re soooo cool makin’ that duck face all over town! Well I can do it too! Hell, I invented that face!”

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“And do I get any recognition for it?”

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“NO! So I don’t want to see you pullin’ that shit around here anymore. You got that, ROOKIE?!”

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“Sorry John, but if it makes you feel any better, we’re not allowed to do the duck face either.”

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Hard cut to a bunch of Twinkies strewn about a desk. Who’s the fatty that’s been snacking on these?

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Of course! It’s Officer Carl Winslow.

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“You’re outta Twinkies? What?”

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Pack ‘em in there, fatso.

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I’m sorry Reginald VelJohnson, it’s not me, it’s the way your character was written into this script. This is your only scene, and it’s just you on the phone, stuffing your face full of Twinkies. They did you wrong.

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Willis seems to get a kick out of it, though.

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Whoa, John Leguizamo is in this movie?!

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Guess what Dennis Franz’s favorite word is?

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A solid grill from Art Evans, who was also in The Breaks.

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And one from Tom Bower, who’s been in… pretty much everything.

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“Don’t forget me!”

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Don’t worry Bob, I didn’t. Not with you dublin’ up like that.

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Ah, I see you’re a fan of John Rambo’s blindfire tactic.

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“Ey, whatever gets the job done.” Who is this, goon #7? Looks like he’s going with blindfire + sideways grip. Playing it somewhat close to the chest; it’s too high to be considered firing from the hip.

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Goon #9 taking a slug to the chest. Die Harder.

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Bob Patrick doesn’t mess around, going straight for the point-blank approach.

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Man, Johnny, where ya been?

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Ok, here’s some of his closed-mouth work. It’s like he just took a big bite of a pastrami sandwich, but- turns out that pastrami is rancid, and he’s got no where to spit it out. Also notice that while he’s still got the wide eyes, his eyebrows are now down, the brow furrowed. You taking notes, obvious stuntman?

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See? He’s not letting any of that spoiled pastrami outta there until he can find a napkin, maybe up at the counter. Or maybe they got a toilet in back, he’d have to ask.

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Here’s goon #15 again, really overselling that reload.

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Lock and load, buddy. Remember to keep that piece close to your chest.

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Oh man, you’re done for, goon #27. You’re about to become…

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… an obvious dummy! Die Harder.

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I’m getting kind of a Martin Riggs vibe from this one. “Look out, Murtaugh!”

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“There was a time when men were kind…”

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“Ugh, you’re butchering it.”

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“Colm Meaney here, I’m picking up some kind of strange transmission.”

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“… and their voices were soft / And their words inviting…”

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“Is that Les Mis? It sounds terrible!”

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“There was a time when love was blind / And the world was a song / And the song was exciting…”

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“Everyone remain COLM!”

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“There was a time / That it all went wrong…”

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“Breaker breaker one niner, we’re going down. I repeat, we’re going down.”

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“I dreamed a dream in time gone byyyyyyyyyy”

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(cockpit alarms blaring)

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“Well, damn. That was Meaney’s only scene in the film. Thanks, Bill Sadler.”

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“That ain’t right.”

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“KAAAAAAALLLM!!!”

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Not a grill, but maybe a little poorly comped foreshadowing?

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“I’ll allow it.”

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“But will you allow this?” Yes. The answer is always yes.

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This guy is pretty good, but he isn’t giving me much material to work with.

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At this point, McClane has been beaten up a bit, so he’s really starting to dig in to that Willis Face.

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We’re back to duck face, but now he’s squinting. That means it hurts.

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Here he is ripping a quick one as he squirms his way out of that grate.

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“Ahhhhh.”

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“Hehe.”

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Let’s get back to making those goons Die Harder.

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Line up that shot, John. He’s squinting, but keeping both eyes open, interesting. Going with pastrami-mouth for this kill.

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Boom. Take that, sphincter-neck. Die Harder.

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“I dreamed that love would never diiiiiiiie!”

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“Ooooooooh he is way off-key.”

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Look how happy he is.

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WHOA! A little too happy, if you ask me.

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This one’s for you, Boris.

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“Oh man, it’s so crudely made!”

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“Shut-up, I love it!”

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“Duck face…”

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“…Engage!”

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Wait…

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Pastrami!

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Only the duck face can save him now.

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Too much duck face!

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Ok, one quick grimace, and then…

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There she is.

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“Then I was young and unafraaaaaid!”

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Wake up and smell the 90s!

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It smells like… ok, I was going to say Teen Spirit, but then Willis gave me that look.

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And then he gave me this one, which I’m assuming means, “Let’s wrap this up.”

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Close-up of a dummy before he takes a real icicle through the dummy eyeball. Die Harder.

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“You’re ruining the movie magic, dammit!”

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The snow’s coming down, and McClane is getting chilly.

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Chewing on that cold pastrami.

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Leguizamo, well on his way to Dying Harder, keeping his gun close to his chest.

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This is a new one- looks like he is not only trying to swallow his teeth, but his lips as well.

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This guy just looks funny to me.

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“Not to me.”

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Whoa! McClane is blindfiring while riding a snowmobile!

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Sadler is not going to take that lying down.

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Which goon are you? #127? #116? What are we up to now?

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“Who cares?” Whoa! Watch where you aim that thing, Bill!

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“He slept a summer by my siiiiiiide!”

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“ENOUGH! You are ruining my favorite song!”

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“Let’s get the crowd’s opinion, Johnny.”

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Oooooh, it doesn’t look good.

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“Hang a lou up ahead at the baggage claim, will ya?”

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“I feel like I chipped a tooth.”

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“Don’t be such a baby, McClane.”

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“Can a baby produce grills like this?!”

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“Holy hell, alright, you’re not a baby. Geeze!”

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Nice, we got one more from you. Thanks, William Atherton.

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Looks like Franz is ready to bow out.

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“Just in time for me to unleash one more… grill. Yeah, grill, that’s the ticket.”

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“Does anyone else smell pastrami?”

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Duck face to the rescue!

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“Oh great, Sadler’s back and he just won’t shut up!”

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“LAAAAAAAAA!”
“LAAAAAAAAA!”
“LAAAAAAAAA!”

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“Ar-ar-ar-ar-ar-ar-ar-ar-ar-ar-ar-ar-ar-ar-ar-ar-ar-ar-ar-ar-ar-ar-ar-ar-ar-ar-ar-ar-ar-ar-ar-ar-ar”

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This is actually the stuntman now, having learned how to properly do the Willis Face. I can’t even tell the difference. Nice job, guy!

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“He he he. Nyeeeh.”

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“Yippie ki-yay, motherfucker! That’s right, this isn’t 2007, it’s the 90s!”

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Die Harder, Bill Sadler.

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I would have ended it here, but we have a couple good reaction shots from air traffic control, so let’s check those out real quick.

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“Did you see that?”

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“I sure did.” (Weird stretching noise as his smile widens beyond belief.)

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“Huh-HAAA!”

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“I will land this plane solely using the power of my triangle smile.”

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“That’s a wrap!”

Well, thanks for reading! Malentine’s Day didn’t happen last year, and for that I am truly sorry. I did finally post it, though, so I hope that makes up for it. And I hope you enjoyed this one as well. It’s been ten years, and unfortunately, I think this may be my swan song. The first few started out pretty weak, but I think I finally hit my stride with the Death Wish post, and I’m happy with what they’ve become since then. It’s been fun, but I think this might be the end for me.

Follow your dreams, stay true to your heart, and may all your Malentine’s Day wishes come true!

Love,

-christoph

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